Figure Skating Cross Debuts At Olympics

Posted: At 7.5 but the high and low score were thrown out.
VANCOUVER, B.C. -- In an attempt to make the Olympics even more exciting than they already are -- seriously, they're awesome; you're just weird -- the International Olympic Committee (IOC) last night debuted their newest sport, figure skating cross.

"It's all the art of figure skating, all the speed of speed skating and all the fighting of hockey," said IOC President Jacques Roggggggge. "Ever seen someone try to land a triple salchow before they get plowed over by seven angry 15-year-old girls in sequins, spandex and glitter make-up? You will in Vancouver."

"Cross" sports combine things such as snowboard racing with a snow-covered construction site to add excitement. Other "cross" possibilities the IOC considered included:

- Curling cross where athletes throw 20-pound stones at each other and then competitively sweep ice chips with delicate brooms;
- Hockey cross where the game is dropped completely and teams just brawl for three periods; and
- Dick Cheney cross where athletes must ski their country off a cliff and shoot their best friend in the face for accuracy.

Roggggggge seemed optimistic about the debut and hoped for a big ratings boost for NBC. NBC programming chief Jeff Zucker laughed when told what Roggggggge said.

"Silly Europeans," he said. "This is NBC. We don't do the whole 'ratings' thing. Stay tuned for late night cross, where we pit a very funny Conan O'Brien against a very chinworthy adversary who isn't funny but has a fake everyman quality that makes the sheep -- I mean people -- root for him. It's going to be great."

Slower Luge Track Still Thrills Olympic Fans Young and Old

"Look, Ma! No hands!" The luge scene's newest media darlings, Timmy and Suzie Jenkins.

 
Posted: At Rotary Hill right behind the Riverwalk

LUGE TRACK, British Columbia -- A new crop of competitors and safety measures has helped the luge community and Olympic fans put last Friday's tragic death of 21-year-old Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili behind them.

Officials took the unprecedented step of actually slowing the track speed by altering the course. The first riders declared the new course a great success.

The latest leader and now favorite to bring home Olympic gold for the U.S. team clocked in a new world record slowest time of 8 mph. Timmy Jenkins of Lincoln, Neb., rode a custom decorated garbage can lid to a blistering 3:25:03 practice time, shattering the previous world record of set by his sister Suzie just five minutes earlier.

When Bob Costas asked Jenkins to review his technique, he simply said, "That was neat-o! Again! Again! Again!"

Pressed further, he added, "Is that fireplace behind you real? Cool!"

Other safety additions to the luge course include a minivan full of moms yelling at the competitors to "slow down" and "don't hit your sister." As well, Olympians are no longer permitted to luge on the same sled as their big fat, slovenly father.