John Edwards Kills Puppy, Steals Parking Spot from Old Lady

John Edwards tells an audience what he really thinks of his wife

Posted: In the "stories-that-write-themselves" section

EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH, Carolina -- After running out of shockingly awful things he can publicly do to make his soon-to-be-ex-wife and the entire country hate him, former North Carolina Senator and 2004 Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards went on a spree of bad deeds yesterday by strangling a puppy while simultaneously swerving in front of an old lady in a Cadillac trying to turn into a primo parking spot at a local mall.

"Much obliged, BITCH!" Edwards said in his gentlemanly Southern accent as he extended a middle finger out the driver's door window of his $160,000 BMW 760Li sedan.

Edwards made headlines earlier this week when the National Enquirer revealed that he had proposed to his mistress and purchased a $4.5 million house for her after separating from his terminally ill wife back in December. Edwards, in an exclusive interview with the Free-Ass. Press, said that people have misunderstood his actions.

"I'm just doing my part for cancer awareness," he said, as this reporter tried to decipher whether he was smirking or that's just how he looks. "Every time my family is in the headlines, cancer is in the headlines. I like to think I'm helping bring us closer to a cure."

Even singer John Mayer, who yesterday called his penis a "white supremacist" because he's not attracted to black women, distanced himself from the Edwards affair.

"I'm a Democrat, so I like the guy's politics. And I'm an asshole -- I mean, a huuuuge asshole -- so you'd think we'd have a lot in common, but damn," Mayer said.

Toyota Recalls Indianapolis Colts; Cites Faulty Hand Controls on Baskett Model

Posted: As a fan of the team that is apparently pro-hurricane

SOUTH FLORIDA -- In yet another troublesome recall for the world's No. 1 automaker, Toyota announced today it plans to recall the entire Indianapolis Colts football team for a series of faulty mechanisms that normally work perfectly but fall apart unexpectedly and without any good explanation.

"We want to be clear that we are not recalling the entire team," said Toyota USA spokesperson Donna Nicaragua. "We are only recalling the special teams, who have faulty hand controls, especially when driving short distances, notably 10 yards or less."

"F**king f**k," she added.

As a temporary fix, Toyota will send an entirely new set of kick returners to Colts head coach Jim Caldwell in hopes of rectifying the problem. They have also requested that the team only continue to play Super Bowls with caution until the new teams have been properly installed.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Caldwell said very, very calmly. "We'll also try to play a team where the narrative doesn't make us the people who want to steal five years of rebuilding a broken town's spirit.

"We thought we had that trumped with the Garcon Haiti card we played, but it just didn't work out," Caldwell said. "The people of Haiti don't like us now either, because they are all wearing T-shirts that say, 'Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl XLIV Champions.' We literally can't win."