Apple Unveils "iPad;" The World's First Electronic Panty Liner

Posted: By the bright people at MENSES ...

SAN FRANCISCO -- In a stunning new announcement, Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the latest device that is expected to revolutionize the personal electronics and hygiene markets.

"Women all over the world have been writing to us for years requesting one," said Jobs who wore his Wednesday jeans and black turtleneck that accentuated both his thinness and that of the device. "I have yet to find a woman who uses a panty liner and doesn't wish she could also check her e-mail on it."

In addition to e-mail, photos, video, music, odor protection, chat features and a whopping 126-gigabyte flash drive, "the iPad actually uses its ample RAM to store fluids and can accommodate a woman on even her heaviest-flow days of the month." Jobs proceeded to pour an entire gallon of blue windshield washer fluid on the device which soaked it up immediately, then sprouted wings and flew into the sunset.

"Apple.com also offers free applications that can analyze the fluid, tell you how many days are left in your period, whether or not you are pregnant and if you should be drinking more water," Jobs said. "We also offer a no-frills version called the iPause for our friends who no longer see the need for an iPad and only use a computer for checking their e-mail and the weather."

Although the iPad weighs in at a panty-busting 1.5 lbs., Apple will also offer protective accessories such as their iUndies sleeve made of a thin Kevlar and lace.

Headphones sold separately. Asiago cheese bread not available in all areas.

State of the Union Pre-Ass. View

Text from one of George W. Bush's final speeches before leaving office last year

Posted: On a teleprompter which the fine folks at Fox News never, ever use because they're really smart

WASHINGTON -- Tomorrow night marks President Obama's second State of the Union address since his term began on Jan. 20, 2009. The Free-Ass. Press has obtained a working draft of the script that will be loaded on to a teleprompter to give Glenn Beck groupies and historical revisionists more fodder for making the case that Obama (magna cum laude, Harvard Law '91) is somehow an idiot for not having memorized a 6,000-word nationally televised speech. So what is he hiding? President Bush didn't need a teleprompter because he couldn't read was "authentic."  

Excerpts follow.
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My fellow Muslims Americans: I stand before you tonight amid one raging war and one that is winding down; in an economy that is ever so slowly recovering so let's go ahead and just forget about that cliff's edge we were all standing at just one short year ago and just say that it's not recovering because Americans have short memories; stubbornly high unemployment that would be even higher and more stubborn without the absolutely necessary stimulus, you idiots, and a dead health care bill that would have passed if those stupid, do-nothing, foot- and knuckle-dragging motherf**kers in Congress who squandered probably the only supermajority in the U.S. Senate we'll see in our collective lifetimes had gotten off their asses and taken a risk for once in their lives. Despite all of this, I am proud to stand here tonight speaking in code to my terrorist buddies like Bill Ayers in Chicago to be able to tell you that the State of the Union is strong because I'm awesome.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE AND/OR FOR A GOP CONGRESSMAN TO YELL, "YOU LIE!"]

The pointless Iraq War is in its final stages. The brave Marines handed their mission over to the Army last week as they left the dry, sandy orgy of oil that is the desert of Iraq for the dry, sandy mountainous desert of Afghanistan to go fight the bad guys who are also the good guys depending on what week it is; how much money the CIA is handing out and to whom; and the mood of the various warlords in any of the thousands of warring factions in that Allah-forsaken country that no one in a thousand years will ever be able to figure out the people who planned the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

My best friend Osama bin Laden still remains at large. There are radical former classmates and associates of mine who are bad people who still want to do great harm to this country that I hate and am not a citizen of. As long as I'm able to convince you idiot "birthers" that I have the constitutional authority to be president, you have my word that I won't not allow another terrorist attack to happen.

We must come together riiiiiiight now ... over me and lift this nation from the depths of this awesome crisis that I intentionally brought upon us to single-handedly destroy this country that I hate from the inside out. We must put those 30 million Americans who are unemployed back to work at their jobs that now reside in China, thanks to George W. Bush's laissez faire approach to trade policy (but go ahead and blame me for this problem I inherited just 12 months ago, you jackasses) and restart the more reliable Japanese engine of our prosperity; if we confront without fear or a ridiculously oversized assault rifle at a town hall meeting the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit coming up with ridiculous and hollow arguments for why I'm an awful communist slash Nazi slash socialist slash Joker slash Hitler while not giving me the time or space that is actually needed to enact the agenda I was elected by a majority to put in place, then someday years from now our children can tell their children who have been horribly disfigured by an end-of-days nuclear holocaust brought about by my being the Anti-Christ that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, "something worthy to be remembered."  Thank you, God Bless you, guy in the third row who just sneezed, and may God Bless the United States of America.