N. Korea Refuses To Celebrate New Year; Expels Calendar Inspectors

Posted: Last year, I think

PYONGYANG -- In yet another blatant display of its defiance toward the international community, North Korea has declared that it will continue to live in 2009, despite overwhelming evidence that countries across the globe had already deployed a new year.

"2009 has a January that has only been used once," said Half Jong-il, the younger brother and successor to North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il. "There is no need for a new one at this time, and we will not be bullied into accepting one."

To further complicate matters, the North Korean government expelled all international calendar inspectors from the IJCA (International Julian Calendar Association) at the stroke of midnight on Dec. 31 by dropping them from a rooftop onto a pitch-black Pyongyang Square wearing nothing but sequined black top hats and light-up glasses with the numbers "2010" on them.

In response, the Obama administration released an ambiguous statement denouncing North Korea's use of January 2009 a second time as "out of step with developed nations and Yahoo! Calendar."

The United Nations' newly appointed 2010 New Year's ambassador, Ryan Seacrest, was slated to be sent to the Hermit Kingdom as a special envoy in the coming weeks, however, Expedia and Travelocity do not allow customers to book tickets for a past date. Given the country's plentiful supply of plutonium, however, officials were able to work out a deal with rogue scientist Dr. Emmett Brown and bring Seacrest back to January 2009 as many times as necessary to get talks moving and/or rescue his career.

Experts: It's Cold Out Today, So Global Warming Is Obviously a Hoax

Al Gore Responds to James Inhofe.

Posted: Just after Y2K but before the Earth melted

DEAD HORSE, Alaska -- Climatologists and other scientists the world over proclaimed today that the long-standing global warming debate has been definitively settled, thanks to a week of really cold temperatures and snowstorms across much of the country.

The scientifically rigorous study was released not by e-mail -- because e-mails can leak and reveal more hoaxes. It was sponsored by the Bob Jones University School of Mixing Politics with Science and was conducted over the past seven days by recording data from local newscasts and their very sophisticated StormTeam X-Vision weather satellites, which can predict temperatures at least seven days into the future (10 days on Channel 7). Data collectors started noticing a trend when your eight-day back-to-school forecast predicted temperatures dipping below the freezing mark for several days in a row, a real oddity for the month of January.

Scientists cited this week's plunging temperatures across much of the United States, including other unusual January occurrences, such as 18-degree weather in Atlanta, Vermont's record-setting snowstorm, Iowa's 30-degrees-below-normal temperatures and Beijing's coldest winter in 40 years, as proof that global warming is a bunch of stupid bullshit.

Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.), a longtime vocal anti-global-warming critic, reacted with glee to the news.

"See?" he said.

"In the world of statistics, trends are defined as one or two isolated data points from which you can extrapolate out in any direction to prove whatever opinion you happen to currently hold," said Brad Higginbotham, executive director at Dot Plot Enterprises, a statistical analysis firm based in Bell Curve, Minn. "It's a handy tool, especially if you're in politics and on the wrong side of an argument that has clear scientific veracity."

"F**k Al Gore," Inhofe added.