Posted: Under the clever guise of "natural causes" -- no one ever questions it
Tulsa, HELL -- Christian elevangelist Oral Roberts, who caused controversy in the mid-1980s by announcing that God would "call him home" unless he raised $8 million to fund missionaries from the medical center he founded, has died at the age of 91.
"I guess we just didn't raise enough money," his son, Richard, said in a statement. "Those missionaries must have taken a vow of wealth, because they bled us dry. Even though the center ended up closing after we bought the missionaries solid gold robes, we tried to please God -- we even raised $1.1 million more than he asked for -- but we just couldn't keep up with the vig."
"Those apostles are the muscle of the outfit and they don't f**k around," he added.
The Free-Ass. Press tracked down God at his winter cabin in Big Sky. When asked why he would wait nearly 25 years to make good on his promise to kill the pastor, he simply said, "Behold! I work in mysterious ways."
Roberts' greatest accomplishment was founding Oral Roberts University, although many questioned why he wouldn't go for a more traditional college name, like JCU.
"I asked myself, 'What would Jesus do?'" he said at the time. "And the answer came to me: He would probably name it after himself, which is what I ended up doing. If you think about it, it's a very Christian thing to do."
"Also, when you have 'Oral' in your school's name, it tends to attract a greater percentage of incoming freshmen that might have otherwise chosen a different school," he added.
According to a press release from the Oral Roberts Evangelical Association (OREA): " ... [Roberts] was the only man of his generation to build a worldwide ministry, an accredited university and a medical school."
"That is correct. He's got me beat on the medical school part," said Bob Jones, another guy who started a university.
Roberts was preceded in death by his wife, Evelyn; a daughter and son-in-law, Rebecca Ann and Marshall Nash; a son, Ronald David Roberts; a grandchild, Richard Oral Roberts; his mother and father; two sisters, Velma Roberts and Jewel Faust; and two brothers, Elmer and Vaden Roberts.
In lieu of flowers, Roberts' two remaining family members request that donations be made to the Oral Roberts Ministry Healing Missions Fund in the hopes that God will stop his killing spree on the Roberts family.
