GOP Calls "As The World Turns" Cancellation Another Climate Hoax

Posted: I stopped counting after 13,661

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Procter & Gamble Co. and CBS announced today that their soap opera, "As The World Turns," which has been on the air for more than 50 years, will be canceled next year.

"It is regretful that after more than 13,600 episodes, we have finally reached a point where we have run out of ideas and would have to repeat a storyline, and that's not what we're about -- we're a soap opera," said Brian Cahill, senior vice president of P&G's crappy diaper and television divisions. "We want to thank all those dowdy, insecure women who watched our commercials for so many years. Without them, we would have found other people to advertise to. I mean, we're P&G. C'mon."

Congressional Republicans in Washington not only took the cancellation personally; some went so far as to called it another example of the left-wing plot to push the climate change agenda.

"The last time I checked, the world has not stopped turning -- not in my district, at least -- and it is irresponsible to make my constituents think that the end of days will come next spring," said Rep. John Boehner (R-Crazytown, Ohio). "Come to think of it, that might actually spur some of these jackasses to get off the couch and do something productive with their time."

"That's off the record," he added.

Republicans argue that climate change is a hoax because when God created the world through intelligent design 6,000 years ago, God would never have designed man to be able to destroy the planet and/or the stock market in the name of personal gain.

"That's just not intelligent," said Sen. Joe Liberman (I-Conn.), who believes he has just slightly less power than God because of his ability to tease both sides of the aisle with his potential swing vote on health care reform.

"In fact, to spite the P&G folks and their liberal agenda, I plan to filibuster any climate change that God can muster wearing Pampers Extra Protection diapers so I won't have to leave to use the bathroom and can filibuster forever," he said.

Richard Gere Declares Zhu Zhu Pets Safe, Pleasing

Posted: After mistakenly viewing "Nights in Rodanthe," thinking it was rodent porn

ASS -- In a hastily arranged press conference held today in Tarzana, Calif., Hollywood sorta-superstar Richard Gere spoke out in support of toy safety for children, singling out Zhu Zhu Pets, the wildly popular toy rodents.

"If used properly, I declare these pets safe and extremely pleasing," Gere said. "Good ass hygiene is always important, but even more so when inserting a Zhu Zhu in your poo poo. You don't want to have to explain that one to the ER resident at 3 a.m. Just trust me on this one."

GoodGuide.com, a San Francisco consumer group, recently announced that it tested Zhu Zhu pets and found the cancer-causing chemical called antimony on the toys. The study was led by Sven K. Turwidener, professor emeritus at the Center for Applied Sphincter Science at the University of Assachusetts - Cramherst.

"We were able to reach these conclusions based on sound scientific methods using the latest in spectral rectometer technology at our state-of-the-art research facility and rave," Turwidener said.

Zhu Zhu Pets are currently available at Toys R Us, Adam & Eve and other fine ass-pounding retailers.

"My favorite is Mr. Squiggles," Gere added. "The name says it all."