GM Recalls Cadillac Escalades for Sudden Unexplained Rear Window Breakage

Woods after purchasing the United States government.

Posted: at 2:26 a.m.

DETROIT -- In a last-minute surprise press conference today, General Motors interim CEO, Edward Whitacre Jr., announced that 5 million Cadillac Escalades are now part of a nationwide safety recall.

"It has come to our attention that there is a production issue with our popular Cadillac Escalade model that may create a potentially dangerous situation for drivers who play golf, pathologically cheat on their wives and go driving in the middle of the night while on painkillers following an extremely awkward Thanksgiving," remarked Whitacre.

The 5 million black Escalades, located primarily in a 10-square-mile radius around soccer fields and night clubs, have been found to have back windows that "at extremely low speeds may shatter unexpectedly when hit with a 7 iron causing a totally sober and completely unimpaired driver to careen into a next-door neighbor's yard, then a tree, then a fire hydrant."

When asked if the recall had anything to do with the fact that GM has had a years-long relationship with golfer Tiger Woods, Whitacre denied having a relationship with Woods.

"At no time has GM had any sort of inappropriate relationship with Tiger Woods," he said. "Nor have we ever texted with him. He is an acquaintance whom we may have met several times at various golf functions where many members of the public were present. We are troubled, however, by the fact that Mr. Woods has made it known over the years that he is exclusive to Buick but was caught driving a Cadillac in the middle of the night. Buick feels quite hurt, frankly. It leads them to wonder what other GM nameplates he's been driving."

Woods has actually been under strict contract with an extremely attractive Saab since 2004. It wasn't until yesterday that Woods finally admitted to driving many different sleek models loaded with fantastic features.

Obama Afghanistan Speech Leaked

Posted: Two wars ago

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As President Obama prepares for what will arguably be the most important speech of his young presidency, the world watches with bated breath. In yet another scoop over its fake news competitors, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has obtained an advance copy of the text, which we have printed here, unedited, in its entirety:

Good evening. I know many of you have been waiting to hear from my administration on what needs to be done to bring the extended disagreement in Afghanistan to a conclusion. Tonight, you are going to hear me speak forcefully and with conviction, outlining exactly what I plan to do to bring this to an end. When I complete this speech, you'll know exactly where my administration stands.

Terrorists attacked this country on Sept. 11, 2001, killing themselves along with 3,000 of your fellow citizens -- I mean our fellow citizens. I'm an American. I was born in Hawaii to parents. If it were not for parents, none of us would be here today.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

On Oct. 7, 2001, we took the fight to Afghanistan. Today, almost nine years later, that is where we are fighting a war today. There is also a war in Iraq. Afghanistan is not Iraq. It's completely different. In spelling and geography. Iraq has a 'q.' Afghanistan does not. Iraq could never be Afghanistan -- because Afghanistan already occupies the land called Afghanistan. Iraq is in Iraq. These distinctions are important.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

Make no mistake. The United States Armed Forces stand near the people of Afghanistan. That is not just because we are standing in Iraq. We stand sort of near them so they understand we are talking to them but not too close so that they think we are creepy. We will travel through villages and towns asking if anyone has seen Osama bin Laden and when those people answer no, our brave men and women in uniform will say thank you and move on. That's what we do. That's why I have ordered an additional 30,000 thank-you sayers to the region. This will let the world know that we are serious about finishing wars that we start, forget about, kinda pay attention to during election season and then drop completely when the economy goes in the toilet.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

You might be wondering what the way forward will be. What is our exit strategy? When will our troops leave? Who is the enemy? Is this a war worth fighting? These are all questions.

Thank you and God bless the United States of America.