What are you thankful for and/or lookin' at?
By Colt (J.R.) Cassidy
Let's get one thing clear: It's Thanksgiving. During this season of goodness and plenty (ha!), I'm only thankful for two things. First, watching you and your lazy good-for-nothing friends leave my classroom when the bell rings. Second, I'm thankful that Lou Dobbs is considering running for president.
As you know, I've been rather critical of our government and their love of driving this country into the g*ddamn ditch. Well, I'm actually thankful for the g*ddamn ditch too. For once in my life, the rest of the country knows what it's like to live like an algebra teacher who hasn't had a pay raise since the Nixon administration. Remember the Nixon administration when the g*ddamn ditch was somebody breaking into a hotel? Good times. Now we have a crack-smoking, baby-killing, non-American African-American (kinda) president who wants to tax us back to the Magna Carta so Joe the Plumber can see a chiropractor for his sciatica with a fifty cent co-pay. Why do you people -- meaning commies, pinkos, gays, school newspaper editors, gay school newspaper editors and pretty much anyone else not from my hometown -- always gotta have high-quality, affordable and efficient health care? Relax. You got your civil rights. Buy yourself something nice before the government seizes it in a raid.
Back to my story. So, to all those people struggling in underpaying jobs that they don't like, I want to pass along some words of wisdom that my father passed along to me: Tough shit.
We all live in the g*ddamn ditch now. Be thankful you haven't been in the ditch for the last 27 years like me. That's where Lou Dobbs comes in. He's finally gonna get rid of our no-birth-certificate-having president who wants to bow down to Osama bin Laden when he invites him to the White House to negotiate directly. Lou's also going to finally get rid of all of those hard-working, dependable illegals hanging outside Home Depot who help guys like me turn a profit because we pay them next to nothing in under-the-table cash and then don't pay taxes on it to boot. Take your pick. That's Lou Dobbs. Mr. Independent. The man with too much truth for CNN -- and The Home Depot.
So, I guess I'm thankful for lots of things, like my freedom to not be thankful for things like this God-forsaken class full of imbeciles. You numbskulls should be especially thankful that I'm your teacher. You're lazy, whiny, spoiled brats, and you inexplicably get rewarded for it by getting admitted to accredited four-year universities. I'll never understand that.
Anyway, you gotta hear it from somebody. It might as well be me. You're welcome. Class dismissed.
