Obama Flubs; Calls Chinese Premier "Ching Chong Ding Dong"

Posted: In the empty Bird's Nest

BEIJING -- In a major diplomatic faux pas, President Barack Obama mistakenly called Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao by another name.

"He simply mispronounced his name," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said during a news conference. "He knew it was pronounced either 'Jiabao' or 'Ching Chong Ding Dong.' He picked the wrong one. It could have happened to anyone."

Obama is wrapping up a eight-day diplomatic trip to Asia in hopes of keeping U.S.-Asian economic ties and bilateral cooperation strong. However, in an uncharacteristically tone-deaf attempt to ease the tension with his hosts while discussing human rights abuses, Obama told a joke: "How do Chinese people name their children? They throw silverware down the stairs and listen." After hearing crickets -- there was a nearby street food vendor getting ready to make a fresh batch -- Obama went for it.

He followed up with, "What did five Chinese men say when they came out of a janitor's closet? SUPPLIES!"

Obama's jokes were met with sustained silence and an occasional cough. The only people laughing were Obama, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and a low-level Chinese official who was shot on sight.

Although embarrassing, Obama's mistake won him many fans in the United States, especially among so-called "Birthers" who questioned whether Obama was born in America.

"Only a real, homegrown American would have the marbles to say something like that," said Birther Emma Jean Pickins of North Carolina. "Sh*t, I think I said it myself just the other day!"

Free-Ass. Preview: The Sarah Palin Memoir

Posted: Next to Levi Johnston's penis pancake makeup

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, Booktourlandistan -- As a public service to its readers, the editors at Free-Ass. Press have compiled a few of the more interesting items in former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's new 413-page memoir, "Going Rogue: An American Life," which will hit bookstore shelves today -- and bookstore discount bins Friday.

The book reveals details of tension on the campaign trail, including Palin's bombshell that candidate McCain at one point announced that he would no longer refer to his running mate as "my friend."

"My friends, she is no longer my friend," she writes overhearing McCain say to his inner circle.

The climax of the book comes when Palin finds out that her teenage daughter, Bristol, recently experienced a climax of her own.

She writes: "Oh, you betcha I nearly gagged on my toothbrush when I found out Bristol was pregnant." She was stunned when discovering that a statement went out in her and husband Todd's name that said the couple were proud of their daughter's decision to keep the baby.

"In no way did I want to send the message that teenage pregnancy was something to endorse, much less glamorize," she continued. "Such an irresponsible anti-life message that I didn't even approve was unthinkable. It took a weekend of shooting moose from a helicopter using a high-powered rifle to even get back to a semblance of normalcy in our lives again."

In a later chapter, Palin mentions that the McCain campaign billed her for expenses related to her vetting process -- nearly $50,000 in total.

"I found it insulting that they asked me to go to a veterinarian for my campaign physical and then charged me $50,000 for it to boot!" Palin writes. "That's when I knew that healthcare reform -- not government-run Obamacare -- would continue to be a top priority for people like me living in the real America."

In the end, ironically, Palin's vet gave her a clean bill of health after giving her a Parvo vaccine.