Republicans Amend Health Care Bill; Being Muslim Now Pre-Existing Condition

Posted: Better late than never.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In their never-ending spirit of bipartisanship, republican senate leader Mitch McConnell (R - Ky) unveiled today the republican health care amendments known as "Republicare."

"We are happy to announce our plan and reach across the aisle today," said McConnell. "And by aisle, we mean Olympia Snowe."

The 1776-page bill, back-dated to July 4th and delivered inside large tea bags to senate members, is the largest passive-aggressive amendment introduced to the senate since the south said, "just kidding" after the Civil War.

The most controversial amendment names many pre-existing conditions that would not be covered by health insurance companies, including being Muslim and/or a Muslim communist president of the United States without a birth certificate. Other pre-existing conditions include having the last name Hernandez, Lopez, Ortega, Garcia, Rodriguez, Romero, Rivera, Gonzalez, Jimenez, Ramos, Chavez, Rios or Mendez.

On the positive side, included in the bill, is a perk for former republicans turned democrats who get a free no co-pay office visit with the death panel.

"I can't wait," said Sen. Arlen Specter (R - D - R - D - Penn).

Maclaren Recalls 1 Million Strollers; Parents Scramble to Find Overpriced Alternative

Posted: On 1 million too many registries

BABYLAND, USA -- Parents who enjoy unnecessarily paying too much for items that can be had for one-third of the price were scrambling yesterday to find a suitably overpriced alternative when Maclaren USA recalled more than a million of its single and double strollers sold since 1999.

The recall came following 12 different incidents of children losing a finger from a poorly designed hinge mechanism on Maclaren's umbrella-style strollers. In a written statement, the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission said that the strollers' hinge mechanism "should be f***ing perfect considering the amount of money they charge for these ridiculous status symbols that are useful for maybe a year -- if that."

The affected models are: Celeb Mimicker 2000, Pretend-Chuss XT, Strollertini, Overcompensator, Misplaced Selfworth XLR and the Look-at-Me P-People XT.

Maclaren USA, which is based in Connecticut, of course, released a statement through its spokesman, Reginald Cheshire IV, Esq., its vice president of pretentious relations, that read, in part, "We have always geared our products toward consumers who have more money than common sense.

"We hope that despite all evidence to the contrary," he continued, "that parents will ignore this recall and continue to buy our products in order to better fit in and let other parents know that a person's parenting abilities should be judged based solely on a name written on the side of a contraption that has been marked up 4,000 percent."