Maine: "I'm Not Gay, I Totally Digs Chicks, So F**k Off!"

Posted: After one step forward


MAINE, Maine -- In a surprising twist of election events, the state of Maine voted to repeal a law that legalized gay marriage in the state. Maine Governor John Baldacci announced the results yesterday in a press conference held outside a Hooters restaurant in Augusta.

"On behalf of the state of Maine, I declare that we don't think there's anything wrong with being gay," said Baldacci. "But we're not gay, OK? So stop asking. Take that s**t to Vermont."

Balducci then stood on top of a table and gave out a giant "Yee-haw!"

"Now one of these wicked hot waitresses needs to bring me some wicked hot wings," he continued. "I'm going to publicly slap her on the ass to overcompensate for how not gay I am."

Maine voters approved gay marriage in May 2009 only to unapprove it last month, which is totally gay. So what changed?

"I have some gay friends on Facebook and didn't want to offend them," Baldacci said. "But then a friend suggested I join the group "Being Gay Is SOOOOO Gay!" and I just couldn't resist. We're all meeting in person soon at an out-of-the-way motel off the interstate next week to talk about it."

Many of Baldacci's friends immediately unfriended him when they saw his Wall.

"I was playing FarmVille when I came to the realization that the institution of marriage had been destroyed," he said. "That's why I'm starting a new online Facebook game called 'Marriage Wars.' Friend me if you want in."

The state government plans to hold counseling sessions for all heterosexual married couples in the state to repair any damage done during the offending six months.

Is Obama Too Skinny? Experts Blame Media Portrayal of Past Presidents

The Obama family having a picnic on the White House lawn.

Posted: On the cover of Potus Beat magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama set off a firestorm of tabloid coverage over the weekend as he exited a gym after a long workout looking thinner than ever. Experts have begun to attribute the president's emaciated figure to the constant unattainable, unrealistic and idealized images of the presidential body portrayed in weekly newsmagazines and history books.

Obama's portly Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed the president's excessive weight loss on a rigorous schedule. Others have blamed Obama's futile quest to be compared favorably to the svelte 16th president, Abraham Lincoln.

"Look, I love Lincoln; he's my idol, but the pressure to be awesome can weigh you down -- literally," Obama said. "When you look in the mirror and realize that you will never look anything like the man who ended slavery, it's easy to get caught up in the model's diet of cigarettes and Diet Coke."

Although Lincoln never smoked, he did write the Emancipation Proclamation over an RC-100. According to presidential historian Michael Beschloss, the ratio of thin presidents to fat ones is 1:11.

"For every William Howard Taft, there are a bunch of skinny wusses like Woodrow Wilson," he said.

However, Obama is not giving up hope. He recently signed a modeling contract with Dove soap that will feature fat, old presidents and call them beautiful and natural.