Republicans Dress Up As Public Option For Halloween

Posted: Back when Jason masks were REALLY scary


HALLOWASHINGTEEN, D.C. -- In a surprise public relations push against health care reform, some Senate Republicans have come together to show a unified front by dressing up as the big, bad, scary "public option" for Halloween to demonstrate how big, bad and scary it is.

"I had to go to four different Party City locations before I found anything even close," said Sen. Olympia Snowe (kinda R-Maine). "I thought putting my head through the Constitution, wearing a doctor's coat and maxing out my credit card would do the trick. In the end, it just wasn't scary enough. I'm going to have to consult with (Ohio Rep.) John Boehner on this one. He's great at scaring people."

Not to be outdone, Senate Democrats patronized their Republican colleagues by screaming like little children every time they passed a public option-clad Republican in the hallway.

Other Republican costumes included Rep. Joe Wilson (really R-S.C.), who dressed as a lying Obama-Hitler-Joker-commie-Muslim-vampire; Sen. Arlen Specter, who dressed as a Republican dressed as a Democrat; and Sen. John McCain (M-Ariz.), who dressed as Sen. John McCain.

"That's right. I'm suspending my candy-giving this year, and I'm turning my porch light off. And if any of these little jerks come on to my property asking for candy, I'll stick Cheney on them," McCain said.

"How about them razor-filled apples?" he added.

Free-Ass. In-Depth: 5 Hot Jobs Available Right Now

Posted: Like a new leaf on the green shoots of the economy.

As a public service to its gentle readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored periodically compiles lists designed to help people navigate this absolute bitch of an economy. Today's list comprises in-demand jobs with companies that are forging ahead and finding success in this difficult economy. They have work for you to do. What is the work, and who will make the cut? Read on to find out.

5. Swine Flu Vaccination Customer Service Representative: This job is forecasted to be in demand at least through mid-2010 after the virus -- and everyone infected with it -- dies out for the season.

4. Residential Interior Design: Though this sector slowed considerably with the real estate bust of 2007 and 2008, there are still clients to be found for imaginative designers who have experience with corrugated materials.

3. Rug manufacturer: The federal government is currently accepting bids for skilled carpet weavers and/or installers. The room to be carpeted is roughly the size of Afghanistan.

2. Broom salesman: Will work closely with the person who lands Job No. 3 above. Job duties include sub-tapestry sweeping demonstrations for military personnel.

1. Obama Conspiracy Theory Creator: Qualified applicants must not be in touch with their latent racism and must respect the maxim that if something is written on the Internet or forwarded through e-mail at least twice, then it must be true. Must learn a glossary of terms and how to reference them without actually knowing their meaning. These include, but are not limited to: socialism, fascism, community organizer, closet Muslim, Manchurian candidate, constitutionally ineligible and Medicare. Knowledge of Photoshop and Hitler-style mustaches a plus.