NASA To Bomb The F**k Out Of Iran to See If Soil Contains Water

Iranian area hypothesized to have water.

Posted: in T-minus 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- In a surprise announcement today, NASA's chief administrator and George W. Bush lookalike Sean O'Keefe revealed that the space agency plans to fly missile-like probes and crash them into Iran to determine if its rugged terrain contains water.

"This is an unprecedented study -- if you don't count our bombing the moon last week," O'Keefe said. "We know that there are three immense bodies of water in areas surrounding Iran, but the evidence is inconclusive whether there is actually water in Iran -- heavy or otherwise -- within their mountains and beneath hundreds and hundreds of feet of hardened, steel-reinforced concrete tunnels."

The United States plans to send these multiple long-range strategic interballistic probes tipped with "scienceheads," likely by next week.

In a press conference this morning, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, "This strategic partnership between our missile-like probes and Iran's soil -- which, coincidentally, happens to reside in the exact same places where the Revolutionary Guards process nuclear fuel -- will provide one giant leap forward for finding out just how much water the Islamic Republic has over a quick three-day blitz of research."

George W. Bush Wins Nobel War Prize

Iraqi civilians become overwhelmed with emotion upon hearing that former Pres. Bush
beat out Saddam Hussein for this year's Nobel War Prize.

Posted: Pre-emptively


STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- Last Friday, the Nobel Prize Committee announced the latest winners of the coveted Nobel Peace Prize. President Barack Obama's much-deserved win -- after a monumental 10 eight-hour days of hard, hard work before his nomination was submitted -- took all the media attention. In the news coverage maelstrom that followed, several other significant Nobel awards were overlooked.

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored would like to take time to acknowledge these other winners who were overshadowed by Obama's lifetime of groundbreaking work that led to his week-and-a-half of Nobel Peace Prize-deserving work in the White House. Examples of that White House work, according to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, include learning where the White House break room is, finding out who to talk to when he needs a fresh hand towel, and figuring out which book to pull to get the Map Room bookshelf to flip around to reveal his futuristic high-tech War Room.

Former President George W. Bush was awarded the Nobel War Prize for his "unwavering efforts at starting wars, continuing wars, belaboring wars, sending in thousands more troops years after America wanted to stop the wars and conceiving of the unprecedented war concepts like 'war within a war' and 'bigger fake war next to the real neglected war' and Ph.D.-level war profiteering."

Bush, who was awoken at 9:30 p.m. with the news at his Crawford, Texas, ranch, said in a statement edited by someone who speaks Bush: "I have tried my best to live up to this award, and I am ever-so-slightly humbled to have received it. Actually, I haven't gotten it yet. Is this another one of Turd Blossom's pranks?" he asked his Secret Service detail, referring to former aide and awful, awful human being Karl Rove.

Also on the list of Nobel recipients was "Late Show" funnyman David Letterman, who was awarded the Nobel Piece Prize for his "outstanding body of work scoring some hot employee tail while making jokes on TV and getting obscenely rich in the process."

Upon receiving the news, Letterman read a Top Ten list of the excuses he gave to his wife for sleeping around.

"Number three: I've changed my oil five times this week because I thought the Jiffy Lube sticker said every 3,000 feet," he said as he flipped the card behind him into the set's fake cityscape as the audience nervously offered a smattering of courtesy laughter.

"Hee heeeeeeeee," Letterman added.