IOC Selects 2016 Olympic Site

Posted: One second ago. Silver medal.

COPENHAGEN, Denmark -- The International Olympic Committee has reached its decision in selecting the site for the 2016 Olympics. After extensive lobbying by heads of state, including Michelle Obama's husband, the IOC has voted to make the site of the 2016 Olympics: www.olympics2016.com.

"We thought about doing something a little more traditional like olympics.com," said IOC president Jacques Roggggggggggggge. "But this one is special. We wanted to spice up the site for 2016. We may even include some Flash graphics on the home page, maybe even a YouTube."

Most tech geeks around the world were thrilled to hear the news, but a few techies were deeply saddened. Jessica Kipling, founder and CEO of www.2016olympics.com, released a statement that said in part, "We did everything we could by going to godaddy.com and buying every conceivable URL revolving around the 2016 Olympics. I guess this one was just a little too obvious. We totally missed the boat on that one. It makes more sense to put numbers first, in my opinion, but whatever."

Although it is not known yet which geographic location will host the Olympics, chances are most people reading this will already have spit coffee all over their flat-screen monitors in a blind rage that render their monitors completely useless to find out who actually won. It's either Tokyo (Japan), River of Janeiro (Brazil), Madrid (Spain) or Chicago (Chicago). You're welcome.

Man Happy, Knows It; Refuses to Clap Hands

Posted: On our face, which surely shows it

CHICAGO -- In a surprising display of civil disobedience, Randy Stine, a North Side bartender, had a great day until the Chicago Police Department arrested him while he was walking down the street when he was headed home after a long night serving douchebags Red Bull and vodka at Hi-Tops.

"My client was arrested for being aware of his elation and not expressing it through hand-on-hand sonorisms," said Travis Bertz, Stine's attorney, at an afternoon press conference. "How could these police officers ignore the fact that he was on the 'stamp your feet' part of the song -- or the fact that this is America? More like Barack Hussein Obama's America."

Chicago, hometown of the 44th president, has an unusual city ordinance that stipulates that any citizen who has above-average feelings and self-awareness must clap their hands loudly. Citizens who do not clap their hands are subject to fines, jail time and/or community service being a seat-filler at an awards banquet.

"We are currently working on a plea bargain to reduce the charge to melancholy with a suspended sentence for time clapped," Bertz added.

U.S. Intelligence Believes NBC Has the F-Bomb

Posted: In Ahmadinejad's bathroom

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced in a rushed press conference this morning that NBC not only has the capability but has actually developed a fully functional F-bomb and test-fired it on a very, very small portion of the American public on last night's season premiere of "Saturday Night Live's" 35th season.

"This is the greatest threat yet to America," said comedy and nuclear proliferation expert Rod Torkelson of the Columbus, Ohio, based improv comedy group The IntelliGents. "When HBO got the F-bomb, they caused untold destruction to network TV and its shitty, shitty shows. NBC likely feels threatened and believes the only way to deter cable networks who have more hit shows with less rules is to develop a defensive F-bomb deterrence strategy."

After the unusual joint press conference last Thursday with President Obama, French President Nicolas Sarkozy and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown denouncing Iran's secret nuclear facility, the trio learned of NBC's capabilities. They have since released a joint statement with one word: "Nevermind."

NBC has been test-firing components of the F-bomb for months now airing promos touting SNL's new season with super-hot and super-crazy "actress" Megan Fox as host. The promos used a shorter-range "Frig" or the medium-range "Frickin'."

"That's what tipped us off that they were close to having a fully functional F-bomb," Gates said. "Luckily, the season premiere sucked and no one was watching. We got lucky -- this time."