Corrections for the Weak of Sept. 24th

How to use a leather-trimmed bedpan.

Posted: You lie!

In our story, "Nation Marks 5th Anniversary of 3rd Anniversary of Sept. 15," we recounted the events of Sept. 15, including quotes from events that were held. However, we published the story on Sept. 14. This was not an error. We're psychic mother f**kers. We apologize that some of our readers do not share the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored's sixth sense, and we pray for your salvation.

In our story, "Obama to Announce 'Health Care For Clunkers,'" we quoted President Obama as saying, "You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper." This was a grievous error. Many readers wrote to us expressing their sincere need for a constant, not intermittent, wiper on heavy load days that come after eating multiple chili dogs at the ballpark. We regret if our story was seen as an endorsement of bedpans with intermittent wipers. It is the view of this editorial bored that bedpans with constant wiping capability are needed to fix health care in this country, regardless of their cost. And there should, of course, be a public bathroom option.

In our story, "Study: 78% of People Who Write "LOL" Are Not Laughing," we said that a new study revealed that the acronym "GFY" stood for "Go f**k yourself." In reality, it stands for, "Good for you," said in the same tone and manner as Christian Bale in his famous rant on the set of "Terminator: Salvation," where he showed the world what an a**hole looks like in human form. We absolutely apologize. We're sorry, we did not mean anything by it. We're nice guys but that don't f**king cut it when we're f**king around like this on a story.

In the story, "Former Pres. Clinton Secures Release of Two Smokin' Hot Reporters," we incorrectly wrote the dateline as "Poontang, North Korea." The actual dateline was "Poontang, Democratic People's Republic of Korea." "North Korea" is an American imperialist pig aggressor name that does not accurately reflect the vibrant, self-reliant spirit inherent in the Korean people who live north of the 38th parallel. From now on, we will refer to them as "Koreans, but not the South ones." FAP regrets the errors.

Al Qaeda Seeking Video Editor, Best Boy

George Clooney, attached to star in "Dark Tunnel Returns II"

Posted: On the canary pages. Please disregard the salmon changes from yesterday.

TORA BORA, CAVE -- In a surprising video release, Al Qaeda has marked the anniversary of 9/22 with a new 106-minute video message called, "The West ... and the Dark Tunnel."

The straight-to-video release follows the continuing story of 300 million people in the United States and their journey toward a large non-descript hole. Assistant Director, lead actor and Line Producer Ayman Al-Zawahiri also included DVD extras like a director's commentary, hilarious out-takes, and two job announcements.

"Well, the film was a bit long and the story was hard to follow with so many million main characters," said al-Zawahiri in his commentary. "My lighting was kinda flat too. And don't even get me started on our location scout. That guy is out of here on our next James Cameron-length effort."

Al-Qaeda is seeking a video editor and best boy to help with their blockbuster sequel, "The West ... and the Dark Tunnel Returns II." Prior experience a plus. No satellite phone calls please.

When asked why the film was not released on 9/11 as originally intended, al-Zawahiri commented, "Our development execs wanted one more punch-up and a happier ending. Assholes. It was perfect the way it was. F**king perfect, praise Allah."

"That's the last time I do a film without final cut," he added.

Study: 78% Of People Who Write "LOL" Are Not Laughing

Posted: In 1997

IUPUIUPUIUUPPI -- According to a new study released today by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy (CPH) at Indiana University, Illinormal campus, people are not as honest as they may seem online.

"We found a correlation that most people who write 'LOL' are not in fact laughing at all," said CPH director Ryan McChristophers. "This is only preliminary data, though, and we will continue our research if I am not currently lying. Just kidding. LOL!"

The study also examined "ROFL," "LMFAO" and "PSML" and found that a whopping 99 percent of people who write these phrases are neither rolling on the floor, laughing an ass off or pissing themselves.

"LOL was the only phrase that we found has some occasional truth to it," commented McChristophers. "We recommend that people begin using phrases like 'IDC' and 'GFY' in online discussions to convey the truth of how they are feeling.

IDC is an acronym for "I don't care" and GFY stands for "Go f**k yourself." LOL!