Bombshell: Hank Williams Jr. Admits He's "Not Quite Ready For Some Football"

Posted: It was Monday night but now it's Sunday night.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- In a stunning blow to NBC and the new NFL season, Hank Williams Jr. held a somber press conference today in his hometown of Nashville, Tennessee.

"I am simply not ready for some football," said a misty-eyed Jr., who wiped snot from his glistening, dyed beard. "I tried to get pumped up. I played 'Madden' for like two weeks, but I am truly more interested in 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight' right now. If any NFL teams had someone as ferocious as Kate Gosselin on the offensive line or a coach as douchey as Jon Gosselin, I just might be ready for some football. That is not likely to happen, unfortunately."

Williams' band has been prepared for weeks to record this year's NFL theme song. However, the recording session has been indefinitely postponed with the band citing a lack of inspiration.

"After 15 years, I just couldn't continue living the lie," he announced. "So as of today, I have turned over all of my lame NFL theme song responsibilities to Faith Hill. She has repeatedly proven her ability to sing about things she doesn't believe in. And you've all seen her sing that NBC 'Sunday Night Football' song that is an incredibly lame twist on a great Joan Jett song. She's truly got what it takes."

Kanye Interrupts Swayze Funeral; Lauds Sidney Poitier

 

Posted: On the little MTV flag on Taylor Swift's Moon Man

NEW YORK CITY -- Americans across this great nation are mourning the loss of actor and dancer Patrick Swayze who died this week at the age of 59. He was 62.

Funeral services were held at the Forest Lawn Cemetery in Hollywood where thousands of mourners and fans came out to hear Swayze's closest friends and relatives eulogize him and think they were clever by putting their own twist on the "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" quote. Just when Jennifer Gray stepped up to give her speech to the crowd, a stupidly drunk Kanye West, who always manages to embarrass himself in front of large crowds, took the microphone from her.

"Yo, Jennifer. I'm really sad for you. I'ma let you finish, but Sidney Poitier had one of the best movies of all time. It was called 'Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.'"

Although Swayze's publicist said that the actor had no comment and would never have a comment on this or any other Hollywood gossip, FAP sources from beyond say that it is likely Swayze will send Vincent Schiavelli's ghost to punch West in the face.

"I might stop by Rep. Joe Wilson's office while I'm at it," Schiavelli added.

Nation Marks 5th Anniversary of 3rd Anniversary of Sept. 15

Posted: On Sept. 15 Eve

WALLA WALLA, Wash. -- It is a date etched into America's collective psyche; a date that spurs an intense, visceral reaction in every red-blooded, flag-waving American: Sept. 15.

No further explanation is necessary for those who were alive on that day, a mere three years prior to this fifth anniversary of that anniversary. President Obama today gave a speech commemorating this joyous yet bittersweet date. It was shown everywhere except in schools, where teaching about government is forbidden.

"Look. Things are bad now," Obama said to a packed stadium of Americans young and old. "But as we look back and remember three years before five years ago, it gives me hope that tomorrow will be a new day: September 16th, if you will."

Even Republicans such as Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.), said this isn't about being partisan.

"I look back with great fondness to the days before I undertook a suicide mission to destroy my political career," he said. "The days before September 15th."

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored would like to extend our sincere and heartfelt thoughts and prayers to those for whom Sept. 15 is forever memorable down to its most minute detail. We stand with you united as we celebrate and mourn with unambiguous resolve and determination that Sept. 15 will be remembered as Sept. 15 every day now and forever.

As a show of support and remembrance, Congress has declared Sept. 15 "September 15th day; September 15th, 2009."

"9/15," former President Bush added.