9-11 Special Feature: Bush Disappointed in Lack of Shopping to Fight Terrorists

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking another weekend off to recover from laboring so much on Labor Day. Enjoy this vintage, pre-owned reprint from last year.

Posted: By time machine to American voters in early November 2000

NEW YORK CITY -- Responding to the scathing report from the bipartisan Partnership for a Secure America saying that America is still unprepared for terrorist threats, President Bush marked this seventh anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by reminding the American people that they could be doing a lot more in the fight against extremist Islamic and non-Islamic terrorism.

"I thought I told you to go shopping," he said in a ceremony at ground zero, site of the former World Trade Center that was destroyed in the attacks.

"Battles such as this take courage, resolve, Visa, Mastercard and Discover," he continued. "In these dangerous times, that means bypassing a cheap pair of sneakers at Target and buying the $110 Puma Ferrari Levitation GT red suede shoes with the non-marking rubber sole. I don't know if anyone has Diner's Club any more, but give that one a try too."

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama were also in attendance. In a show of unity, the two politicians walked down the street to Macy's and bought purple lipstick together.

"This day reminds us that there isn't red lipstick or blue lipstick," said Obama. "There's only American lipstick, and we picked an eggplant color that will go well with any pantsuit that an Alaskan female moose-shooting scandal-ridden lying radical individual might choose to wear." McCain also voiced his support.

"My friends, any American would be proud to take this lipstick to war -- I mean, wear. I said 'wear,'" he stammered. "If you're a woman and you're not so easy on the eyes, this is something you can wear that will put your country first. That's not sexist, that's just straight talk."

Although Democrats and Republicans alike feigned outrage at each others' comments, lipstick sales at Macy's have increased 14 percent, and many pit bulls and pigs have been seen wearing the eggplant purple color.

"I told you it would work," said Bush as he concluded the ceremony. "Now watch me lay this wreath."

Obama To Announce "Health Care For Clunkers"

Posted: Not in my kid's classroom, by gum it! Only a Yale-failing, "My Pet Goat"-reading president can speak to my kids about the importance of getting an education.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Free-Ass. Press, working its White House sources like a $2 whore, has managed to obtain an advance copy of President Obama's address on health care to a joint session of Congress tonight.

After a brutal 40-day congressional recess featuring angry people screaming ridiculous things through bad microphones at town hall meetings, congressmen comparing the Obama-is-Hitler crowd to a dining room table and a man carrying a comically large assault rifle outside an event the president was attending, Obama vowed to retake the debate and go back on the offensive.

His first salvo: "Health Care for Clunkers," a new compromise bill that takes the best elements of the wildly successful albeit horribly mismanaged "Cash for Clunkers" program and applies it to the health care reform effort.

According to the text of tonight's speech, Obama has inserted pauses to accommodate an estimated 87 standing ovations following his delivery of lines that pander to the liberal left and three standing ovations prompted by lines that pander specifically to Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), the one Republican who might actually vote for health care reform.

Obama will also invoke the name of recently deceased Sen. Ted Kennedy six times in order to get reluctant Republicans to stand at least once so they don't seem like heartless, elitist, do-nothing pricks standing in the way of getting anything done.

Other select quotes fom the prepared text include:

"Look, we're not going to unplug Grandma. We're just going to trade her in."

"You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper."

"Every heart monitor, from the poorest inner-city hospital to the Mayo Clinic, should have a rich, polished mahogany finish and a free three-month trial of the "Best of Sirius | XM" package.

"We dedicate this reform effort to Ted Kennedy, who for 41 years drunkenly slept through joint sessions of Congress just like this one. Right, Sen. Grassley? Hey, CHUCK! Wake up! You been drinking that subsidized corn ethanol again? No wonder you sound like such an idiot when you talk."

"It's true. I am the anti-Christ, but that shouldn't prevent us from passing meaningful health care reform this year, before the end of days, which will begin sometime during Q2 of fiscal 2010. Then these massive deficits I'm creating and the 47 million still-uninsured Americans will be the least of our worries."

"They say charity isn't in the Constitution. Well, you know what? Neither are cars, but we got that done!"

Palin Endorses Death Panels For Pro-Choice Fetuses, Liberals

Dear Gentle Readers,

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking a Long-Ass. Weekend, so we'll be running two of our favorite stories from recent weeks today and Monday. Enjoy the holiday, and we'll see you next week! This story originally ran on Aug. 14. Peace out.

Posted: Higher and deeper

WASILLY, Alaska -- In yet another confirmation of Sarah Palin's special brand of crazy, she held a press conference yesterday to comment further about what she has dubbed "President Obama's Death Panel."

"In the interest of bipartisanship, I fully support President Obama's marauding death squad, but let me clarify: I am only in support of them making end-of-life decisions about fetuses that are pro-choice and/or liberals." Palin spoke against a backdrop of Esikmos clubbing baby seals for sport.

"Those fetuses that are pro-life should get tax breaks and health care from the time they are blastocyst-people forward," she said.

Palin did not clarify that the language in the bill related to what she called "The Psycho Serial-Killing Legion of Doom" are actually voluntary counseling sessions endorsed by the American Medical Association as well as aromatherapy, a fully funded senior citizens' day at the Color Me Mine pottery studio and an end-of-lifetime supply of Werther's Original Old-Fashioned caramel candies.

"They will slit your throat with broken dishes and then dump you in a mass grave next to your unborn oocyte who just wanted to keep the coverage it had," Palin said. "Under our plan -- wait, we don't have a plan. Nevermind."