Free-Ass. Police Blotter

Dear Gentle Readers,


The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking a Free-Ass. Long Weekend, so we'll be running two of our favorite stories from recent weeks today and Monday. Enjoy the holiday, and we'll see you next week! This story originally ran on July 22. Peace out.

ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Press will now begin publishing select reports of recent police calls that will help feed your paranoia that "those people" are out to get you. What did we mean by "those people"? What did YOU mean by asking what we meant? Uh, racist much?


Racist Harvard Professor Arrested By Racist Officers In Racist Door-Repairing Incident
Location: Racist, Mmaassaacchhuusseettss
Summary: Henry Louis Gates Jr., Harvard professor and director of the W.E.B. DuBois Institute for African and American Research, was found attempting to fix the jammed front door at his own home. Officers on the scene immediately arrested Gates per City of Cambridge ordinance 10-27-3661, which states, "Any person whose skin is darker than your Dunkin' Donuts Iced Mocha Dunkachino shall be immediately incarcerated on suspicion of being wicked suspicious, especially if said person is attempting to gain entry into a home he clearly cannot afford on a janitor's salary." Cambridge police, upon discovering that Gates was a wealthy, nationally known figure, dropped all charges and released the following statement: "Our bad, yo."

Man Trespasses on Moon
Location: Sea of Tranquility
Summary: Forty years on, the identity of the three men in white suits, big boots and mirrored face shades who were discovered trespassing on interplanetary soil remains a mystery. These criminals, who filmed themselves hopping around, kicking up dust and illegally parking their vehicle in a "No parking between the beginning of time and 3 a.m. zone" are still at large. Based on the description of the white suit and ridiculously large shades, the top suspect remains Kanye West.

Anti-Liver Activist Assaulted By Transplant
Location: Crazytownenshire-upon-Stratfordsex, UK
Summary: The National Health Service, an organ of the UK government, successfully prevented a trespasser from entering the body of a 22-year-old East London man, but the man died in the ensuing struggle. The last time a liver entered the man's body, he assaulted it for 12 years with heavy alcohol ingestion, killing it. This time, the liver won. The best-of-three fight resulted in sudden death. A tiebreaker will not be scheduled.

Schwarzeneggar Arrested For Insurance Fraud; Ahson

Posted: It's a hot time in the old town tonight.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- In a surprise twist of events while trying to identify the source of the California wildfire, LAPD officers arrested Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar today, charging him with insurance fraud and arson.

"We apprehended Mr. Schwarzenegger trying to light a palm tree on fire outside Trader Vic's in Beverly Hills," said L.A. police chief Bill Bratton. "He is suspected of trying to collect insurance money to pay off California's debt -- God bless him for trying." Trying to disguise his voice, Schwarzenegger tried to phone in a claim to State Farm's 1-800 customer service number.

"My house is ahn fayah," he said to the operator, who asked him for his address and name.

"My address is Caleefoneyah," he said. "And my name is Arnie Schwartzecolored" -- which immediately tipped off the operator, who tipped off his supervisor, who alerted authorities.

"I did not commit ahson," the Republican governor said as he was handcuffed and shoved into an undercover Ferrari F599 Beverly Hills police cruiser. Schwarzenegger was released on $12 bond, which the state then used to pay the judge for his time to sign the release order. The presiding judge, Ryan J. Lawrenceberg, remarked as he signed the order, "How far can a buff bankrupt governor go in a hydrogen-powered Hummer without being spotted? This is a low flight risk."

"May I have my $12 back in quarters?" he added. "My room at the Y doesn't have laundry facilities."

Republicans: Kennedy's Death Proves Healthcare Reform Doesn't Work

Posted: Posthumorously

KENNEDYTOWN -- In a not-so-surprisingly cynical view of the world, Republicans hit the Sunday talk shows Sunday to eulogize their dear departed friend across the aisle, Sen. Tedward Massachusetts Kennedy.

"I am saddened by my friend Teddy's passing; I will miss him like a brother," said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) on "Meet The Press." "Except when I filibuster the f**k out of this bill. Sayonara, 60-vote supermajority!"

"Too soon?" he added.

House Minority Whip and very obvious 2012 Republican presidential candidate Eric Cantor appeared on "Face The Nation," telling its eight viewers, "Ted Kennedy was a role model statesman and set an example that all Democrats should follow: Die before the big vote on healthcare, because it ain't happening."

Republican Party Chairman and idiot Michael Steele even had kind words after the passing of Sen. Kennedy on "This Week with George Stephanopapopadopolus." "I wanna give a shout out to my man, T. Kezzennedy! The hip-hop GOPs are gonna rain down all over this health care parade, yo. C'mon, now. Back that Hyannis up!"

Other Republicans tried to contain their schoolboy-like giddiness at Kennedy's funeral service but failed miserably, interrupting the proceedings multiple times with high-fives, barely concealed throat-clearing that masked phrases like "Suck it" and "Now what?" Several were asked to leave, including Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.), who said, "Who's going to make me? You and your 'supermajority?' Out of my way, Femicrat!"