Kennedy To Keep Senate Seat, Cast Votes From Heaven

 

Posted: In Camelot

MAHTHA'S VINYAHD -- Sen. Tedward Massachussetts Kennedy (D-Heaven) died this week from complications due to brain cancer at age 77. He was 77.

The outpouring of support for Kennedy has been unprecedented. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney -- a bitter, old man ostracized by the White House for the past five years who wonders if anyone will care when he's dead -- had relatively kind things to say about the "liberal lion" of the U.S. Senate.

"I knew Teddy very well, and I'm sorry I never had the opportunity to shoot him in the face," Cheney said. "He was a godd*mn liberal dickhead and it's about time we got that monkey off our backs. This country put up with his sh*t for 47 years. I'm glad he's dead. He was a true American hero ... to all the other f**king annoying liberal dickheads."

"That's not for publication until he's been dead seven days," he added. FAP ignored the godd*mn conservative dickhead's request.

Conspiracy theories have already begun cropping up in the liberal blogosphere. Daily Kos is reporting that brain cancer was spotted running with wet clothes past a fire station and several houses and waited nine hours before telling family members that the senator had died. However, FAP was not able to independently confirm this information.

FAP did, however, land an exclusive interview with Massachussetts Gov. Deval Patrick -- who, even though he's black and not from Chicago, sounds so much like disgraced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich that it's downright freaky; seriously, go to YouTube right now and check it out with your eyes closed -- said, "No special elections or olympics will be held. I talked to Teddy today via John Edward from the TV show 'Crossing Over.' Teddy plans to ask the Massachusetts State Senate to allow him to cast votes from heaven -- and something about marshmallows and a girl whose name begins with a B."

Memorial services will ironically be held minutes before the Congress votes on health care reform, which should be some time during Obama's term.

Source: Obama on Brink of Deal for New Mid-East Peace Talks That Will Fall Apart

Posted: Once again

IN THE VERY CENTER OF THE EAST -- The White House announced today that the president is close to putting together a deal to resume Israeli-Palestinian negotiations that won't succeed.

The carrot that brought Israel to the table was a promise by Obama to get super-balls-to-the-wall tough with Iran over its nuclear weapons program. The U.S., along with a low-low-level French diplomat and some British guy they found vomiting in the disgusting bathroom stall of a pub in Leeds, have agreed to take several concrete steps to discourage the Islamic regime from building a nuclear bomb.

A senior Obama administration source said that some of the major tactics include offering Iran an American-made nuclear weapon if it promises to stop trying to build its own, to offer universal health care to every Iranian citizen and to bring members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps to the U.S. for military training designed to make them like us more.

"This is about putting Americans back to work," Obama told reporters aboard Air Force One. "And Iranians."

"We are extremely confident that we can bring everyone to the table, reach an agreement to agree to more talks that will create a Memorandum of Understanding document and then send everyone home and allow the situation to deteriorate into yet another armed confrontation sparked by rocket-launching Hezbollah douchebags," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told a bunch of reporters, who immediately did a Lexis-Nexis search for past stories announcing new rounds of Mideast peace talks, hit control-c, control-v in a new Word document and then changed the date.

Stacy Worried, But "Will Get Through This"

Posted: Seven minutes ago. Click here to hide.

DECATUR, Ga. -- In a surprise Facebook status update yesterday, Stacy Waligora posted a cryptic yet hopeful message to her 367 friends: "Stacy Gorawali Waligora is barely hanging on but will get through this ..."

Within minutes, Waligora received an outpouring of love and support from three friends who fall for that s*** hook, line and sinker every time. Dave Paneezo, a long-time "friend you might know" commented, "WTF is going on? Sorry things are tough." Stacy's aunt, Karen Walsh, responded, "At least it's not cancer. ;-) ... Wait, it's not cancer, is it?" The last comment was a link posted by Stacy's ex-boyfriend, Alex Miller. It was a YouTube video montage of guys getting hit in the balls.

"I feel so lucky to have such amazing friends. When my life takes a bad turn, I know that nearly 1 percent of my family and friends care enough to post a comment about this difficult time I'm going through."

Stacy later admitted that she was barely hanging on to get through Rush week at her sorority.

"I almost couldn't go on, but then my sorority sister Meghan sent me a quiz about which Sesame Street character I am, and I felt sooooooo much better," she said. "I was Big Bird."