Barney Frank Sells Dining Room Table on eBay

 

Posted: On a picture of a La-Z-Boy defaced to look like a Barcalounger

FOULMOUTH, Mass. -- Rep. Barney Frank (D-Angrytown, Mass.) has had enough. In a surprisingly public display of anger, the congressman posted his dining room table on eBay because of "the vile, contemptible nonsense that my table freely propagates."  

"It's every night," said the chair of the House Financial Services Committee in an exclusive FAP interview. "I support a public health insurance option, and my table calls me a Nazi. Enough is enough. Trying to have a conversation with that table would be like trying to enjoy sex with a woman. I have no interest in doing it."

Frank's eBay listing, posted last night, was titled, "Right-wing nut job mahogany table; angry chair of the House Financial Services Committee and other chairs not included." Frank said that his six chairs, although some are right-leaning and slightly warped, tend to make rational arguments and ask thoughtful questions.

"They stay," he said. "It's my attempt to reach across the aisle."

Although D.R. Table was disappointed at being ousted from Frank's house, Table has already launched an election Web site -- bankrolled by extremist fascist demagogue Lyndon LaRouche, who would make a much more accurate comparison to Hitler -- to challenge Frank in the next election. If successful, it would be the first time in history that a dining room table would take a seat in the House from a sitting chair.

"Thank you! I'll be here all week," Table added as he received a standing ovation. "Please, sit."

KISS to Release First Newly Packaged Repackaged Material in Nearly Two Years

Several employees from a Long Island Wendy's restaurant
pose with their idols Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley

Posted: Near the spool of blank CD-Rs I should have bought instead

BENTONVILLE, Ark. -- The wait is finally over. On Oct. 6, perennial rock group KISS -- known as much for their gimmick-free approach to making music as for their rock-solid lineup which has remained completely unchanged for nearly 40 years -- will release its first collection of newly packaged repackaged music in nearly two years.

"Sonic Boom," a collection of songs that contain pieces of other songs that have appeared on other previous KISS albums which were then stitched together in the studio using studio musicians who aren't members of KISS, is the most widely anticipated KISS album since the last studio effort by the original four members, 1972's "Never."

In an exclusive distribution deal with the world's largest retailer, Wal-Mart, the guaranteed-to-be-terrible album will include a CD of "new" music, re-re-recordings of existing KISS music as well as a live DVD, which will include footage from 43 different concerts that never happened.

The band's annoyingly oversexed frontmen, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, say they aren't fazed by the fact that KISS said goodbye to its 37 remaining fans nearly 10 years ago on their farewell tour.

"We were saying goodbye to our integrity, not our fans," Stanley said. "Now, how many people like to take the taste of AL-KUH-HAWL?"

"Gene Simmons," Gene Simmons added.

The kabuki-makeupped group's most popular albums include 1976's "Destroyer" and 1977's "Love Gun." Other significant KISS efforts include "KISS's Greatest Hits," "The Greatest Hits of KISS," "KISS: Greatest Hits," "Greatest KISS Hits" and "The KISS Hits (Greatest)."

In a side deal with Wal-Mart's warehouse retailer Sam's Club, KISS has also agreed to sell its newly packaged repackaged material in convenient 45-count bulk packs, conveniently priced at just $525.99 while supplies last. And they will.

The new album hits stores Oct. 6 and will sell for $11.96 on the "Watch For Falling Prices" rack next to the DVD sale of "The 'Burbs" director's cut, Big Buy Reese's Crunchy Peanut Butter Cups and Veggie Tales, Vol. 47: "Eggplant Takes A Holiday."

"I guess I'll buy it anyway," said everyone who has vowed in the past to boycott new KISS releases. "But this is the last time."

Democrats Signal Willingness to Drop 'Reform' Portion of Healthcare Bill

Posted: In the all-time-greatest pussy political retreats section of your local bookstore

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Caving to Republican pressure and an uninformed, shouting public, President Barack Obama's administration and Democratic congressional leaders signaled Sunday that they are ready to drop the reform portion of the healthcare reform plan in order to get the bill past the cowardly, once-in-a-lifetime fillibuster-proof, nationally mandated Democratic supermajority.

"Our hands are tied," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a Sunday town hall at a San Francisco-area community center for gay, pro-choice, Satan-worshipping teens. "How are we supposed to find the political cover to pass this thing when we have the largest majority we've had in the House in decades, and a Democratic president who has vowed to get healthcare reform passed even if it means he will have to lose re-election? We're in a really tough position here."

The Democratic retreat came Sunday morning when Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius told George Stephenopopapadopoulos on ABC's "This Week" that the reform portion is "not the essential element" of the healthcare overhaul. The White House, she said, would be open to a system where private insurers sell health insurance to the public with little to no regulation through inexpensive group plans and absolutely criminally overpriced individual plans with co-payments on top of fees and medication payments on top of co-payments on top of fees with a four-figure out-of-pocket maximum to make consumers feel like they are getting a good value for their money. Poor people and those who are already sick would be exempt from coverage because they are probably all illegal aliens with terminal cancer -- bad for business.

"It's a real win-win for these folks in particular," said Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa. "Clearly, too, it's in the best interests of Americans to be employed full time by a large corporation with this new legislation, and not to get sick in their first 90 days of employment."

"All I'm saying is that the reform option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of healthcare reform," Obama said to a crowd gathered at a town hall in Grand Junction, Colo. "It's not even a small part of it. This is just one tiny, tiny little sliver. You can hardly see it on a chart. The important thing is to say we won. No one's reading this thing anyway -- except Chuck Norris, and he's very healthy."