Palin Endorses Death Panels For Pro-Choice Fetuses, Liberals

Posted: Higher and deeper

WASILLY, Alaska -- In yet another confirmation of Sarah Palin's special brand of crazy, she held a press conference yesterday to comment further about what she has dubbed "President Obama's Death Panel."

"In the interest of bipartisanship, I fully support President Obama's marauding death squad, but let me clarify: I am only in support of them making end-of-life decisions about fetuses that are pro-choice and/or liberals." Palin spoke against a backdrop of Esikmos clubbing baby seals for sport.

"Those fetuses that are pro-life should get tax breaks and health care from the time they are blastocyst-people forward," she said.

Palin did not clarify that the language in the bill related to what she called "The Psycho Serial-Killing Legion of Doom" are actually voluntary counseling sessions endorsed by the American Medical Association as well as aromatherapy, a fully funded senior citizens' day at the Color Me Mine pottery studio and an end-of-lifetime supply of Werther's Original Old-Fashioned caramel candies.

"They will slit your throat with broken dishes and then dump you in a mass grave next to your unborn oocyte who just wanted to keep the coverage it had," Palin said. "Under our plan -- wait, we don't have a plan. Nevermind."

Study: 87% of Americans Hate Town Hall Meetings About Health Care

Posted: The first Tuesday after the start of silly season.

PITTSBURGH -- Americans across the country are shouting down their senators and representatives holding town hall meetings about health care. A new study from the Center for Town Hallology and Health Careisms at the University of Northern Illinois, South Campus, found that 99% of Americans support health care reform, whereas 87% of Americans simply hate town hall meetings and will shout it at anyone who will listen.

"Senator Specter! I hate what you're doing. It's un-American! To bog down this wonderful legislation no one but Chuck Norris has read with a gosh darn town hall meeting?," asked Nashua, N.H., resident Bob Dobolina. "Do you know how long I waited in line to get into this god-forsaken event? F**k!"

Hayden Callaghan, a high-school Spanish teacher, shouted, "The constitution provides for freedom of speech! It also provides for freedom from speech! You can hold as many town hall meetings as you want, but I'm not gonna say a goddamn thing, you Republican traitor! I'm just gonna sit here and keep my mouth shut!" Callaghan then wrote "flag@whitehouse.gov" on a piece of tape, covered his mouth, took a picture and then made it his profile picture on Facebook.

Many of the crowd comments were followed by obnoxious clapping and calls for President Obama's birth certificate and parking validation.

"I'm mad as a hatter! I have no idea where I am, but I sure as hell don't want to be in a town hall meeting!" said Mildred Mabel Pearl Higgins. "Now where is my money? I was told I would be paid for showing up and complaining."

Sarah Palin Cuts Finger; Obama Death Panel Orders Euthanasia

 

Posted: Say it ain't so, Joe!

WASILLY, Alaska -- In her worst nightmare come true, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been sentenced to die by President Obama's "death panel" in a 7-0 decision.

Palin, who experienced a paper cut last week while flipping through her high-school history book to brush up on world events, developed a slight infection because she field-dressed a moose that same night. As a result, she was handcuffed, taken from her home and detained indefinitely while she awaited an opportunity to go before one of Obama's newly formed "death panels" to learn her fate.

Palin was incredulous as she writhed in handcuffs, cursing the officers in plain black clothing who shoved her into the back of a brand-new Lincoln Town Car hybrid.

"Not the America healthcare some Washington bureaucrat I know socialism media elite," Palin said to a CNN cameraman who was on the scene because the White House tipped him off in yet another example of liberal media bias. A translation wasn't immediately available.

Palin is scheduled to be euthanized next week, directly after former Vice President Dick Cheney, whose search for a heart the panel has deemed hopeless.

A group of skeptical Democrats who call themselves the "Deathers" immediately began asking to see Palin's death certificate.