Paula Abdul Voted Off American Idol, Katie Couric in Top Three

Posted: Right after the break

HOLLYWEIRD -- In a shocking announcement made on Twitter, where all (self-)important announcements are made, Paula Abdul revealed on Wednesday that she will not be returning to "American Idol" this fall.

Her statement simply read: "I have decided to bow out of season 9 so that I may spend more time with my pills."

An immediate follow-up tweet read: "They have been there 4 me in the past and I need 2 B there for them now."

She sent her last tweet of the night just 20 minutes later: "Oh yeah. Fans too.......................................................... Luv u guys!................................................"

Fellow judge Simon Cowell called Abdul's departure "... rather boring, really. It won't be terribly difficult to find another super-duper nice person who loves every singer regardless of how bad they are."

"We're absolutely considering hiring Katie Couric," he added, gesturing with his tiny, weird hand for effect.

Randy Jackson, not Michael's brother but the other black Randy Jackson who's a musician, released the following statement about Adbul's decision through his publicist: "Dawg! Dat is not da bomb, dawg. That does not tear! It! Up! Woot, woot, woot." The publicist immediately resigned on principle.

Former Pres. Clinton Secures Release of Two Smokin' Hot Reporters

Kim Jong-Il: "See that traffic cop? Yeah, that one? I banged her."

Posted: On a Nodong missile.

POONTANG, North Korea -- Ailing North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il has ordered the release of two unbelievably hot U.S. journalists who were detained in March after accidentally crossing into North Korea from China, according to North Korea's state-run "news" agency, the Flee-Ass. Pless.

The release came after former U.S. President Bill Clinton made a special trip to the Hermit Kingdom to visit Kim. Tuesday night started like any other as Kim and Clinton ate kimchee and took in a small opera production featuring 3 million dancers. After introducing himself personally to each of the dancers backstage, Clinton and the Dear Leader spent a raucous night together carousing through the downtown Pyongyang bar scene -- a bar called "Bar" on the corner of North and Korea streets.

Below is a list of pick-up lines overheard at Bar. These have been censored by the Korean Central News Agency. The actual quotes were much raunchier:

How about I show you what's south of my 38th Parallel?

Hey, baby. Did you know the threat level in my pants is orange?

I love those UN sanctions. They would look even better on my bedroom floor.

How would you like a hot American stimulus package injected into your tight, isolated economy?

I'm Bill Clinton. Wanna f**k?

You know, I used to date a girl named Kim Chi. She was hot and spicy and smelled like cabbage.

There's an international incident in my pants.

Would you like to meet the Dear Peter?

I have a heel lift and giant glasses fetish.

My penis is taller than you.

Ever intercept an intercontinental ballistic missile?

He calls his missile the Nodong. I call mine the Minuteman. Which would YOU rather be with?

Two FAP Reporters Seized At Iran Border; Sherpa

Posted: At the wrong turn at Albuquerque

AHMED AWAA KINDA -- Last Friday, two American hikers were arrested at the Iranian border for trespassing beyond the "Welcome to Islamic Republic of Iran" sign. The hikers were FAP reporters on assignment, Gregg Arts and Jessica Kliping.

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton released a statement after being notified of the incident.

"The United States is very concerned about the welfare of all its citizens ... except these two. The Free-Ass. Press is one example of how freedom of the press can go wrong. The United States has not had diplomatic relations with Iran since 1979, and we don't intend to start now because these two schmucks went hiking through Iran like the Von Trapp Family Singers. The United States has only one thing to say to Iran about holding the Free-Ass. Press in their country: better you than us. Enjoy."

Iranian authorities have been trying to extradite the reporters since they realized who they had captured, however, no country has been willing to take them.

At this time, the only information available to FAP about their reporters is that one of them was quoted during an interrogation saying, "Donde esta el banyo, bro?"