Beer Summit Enrages Beer, Summit Lobbies

Posted: PBR me ASAP!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an attempt to finally bury more than 400 years of racial strife in America, President Obama invited Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley and Harvard Professor and thief Henry Louis Gates Jr. to the White House for a beer last night.

Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has announced that the president enjoyed Bud Light beer at last night's meeting. Bud Light, an Anheuser-Busch product, is now owned by a Belgian company.

"That's some offensive sh*t," said the half-schnockered Jim Koch, chairman of the Boston Beer Company, brewer of Sam Adams. "It's just more proof that our president isn't even American. What's his name again? Sabam Hussein? Sh*t. That sh*t's f**ked up. F**k him and his f**kin' teachable f**kin' moments."

"F**k," he added.

"You could hardly call this a summit," said Mike Foltin, president of Americans for Summits, a summit lobbying group based in Geneva. "It's actually an insult to summits. There's only one president here, and he's not even the president. I WANT TO SEE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Let's say the pledge of allegiance! "

According to anonymous sources close to the president, not much was accomplished in the summit. Crowley did not apologize for 400 years of black oppression, and Gates did not apologize for being too black in a white neighborhood and breaking into his own house. However, the president, in an unguarded moment at the end of the night, confided that he is a gay Muslim who is bent on destroying the United States from the inside out. Feeling guilty, Gates then returned the silver soap dispenser he stole from the White House bathroom. Crowley returned the Bill of Rights.

Expressing regret over his handling of the summit and his startling admission, Obama said, "I could have calibrated my beer differently."

"No shit," said everyone.

Sarah Palin: Where Is She Now? Governor Reflects on Two Days Out of Office

Posted: On Joe Biden's desk ... can I call ya Joe?

WASILLY, Alaska -- It has been many moons since former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned -- nearly three, in fact. FAP decided to catch up with Palin to see what she is up to now that her political star has flamed out and turned into a black hole engulfing all level-headed Republicans.

Life has not yet returned to normal, according to Palin. When asked how many boxes she still has to unpack, Palin replied, "In the summertime, it's the frozen tundra competing with the view of the hot dusty boxes splitting the Cheechakos from the United Van Lines with hope and country pride."

"America," she added.

FAP tried to follow up for more information. When asked, "What the f**k are you talking about?" Palin responded, "I cherish our freedoms and God's good grace, par for the course, I'm going to exercise." FAP called in former President George W. Bush to translate.

"She's looking forward to some treadmillification," he said through a snicker. "After she hunts some gazelle, she's going to use her Gazelle. That Tony Little kinda creeps me out. That last part was me, not her excellency from the 51st state."

FAP then followed up with one last question: "Seriously. You make no f**king sense. What are you talking about?"

Palin waved her finger and said, "There you go again, makin' stuff up, you patriotic media elite. God bless you exercising your freedom of the press, which you don't appreciate. Heck, you might as well go spit on some graves at Arlington National Cemetery, teeming life and fireweed."

"I have no idea," Bush said.

What is clear is that the Palin family plans to remain in the spotlight. Palin's children, Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig and Calculus have already been cast as characters playing themselves in Peter Jackson's rendition of, "The Hobbit."

"Sourdough," Palin added.

Comic-Con Was So F**king Unbelievably F**king Amazingly Awesome!

Posted: Somewhere between Edward and Jacob

SAN DIEGO -- IT departments in companies across the United States have ground to a halt since July 23, crippled by the launch of Comic-Con, the world's largest comic book and popular arts convention. Comic book fans shed their ripped shorts, Atari T-shirts and red Chuck Taylors for authentic "Star Wars" storm trooper costumes and make-up jobs worth more than their 401(k)s.The San Diego festival has become a Hollywood magnet for stars and filmmakers where they preview the hottest new comic books and films for audiences, and FAP was there.

Among the preview features at this year's festival:

* James Cameron and his new 3-D film "Avatar." Cameron's latest project is notable because of the emotional depth and human story he puts into blowing shit up. 

* Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. showed footage of "Iron Man II." Favreau wowed audiences with part two of the complex story of a well-off rebel named Stark who blows shit up -- and with his uncanny ability to pork up and slim down within two weeks.

* Tim Burton discussed his latest dark and depressing project, "Alice in Wonderland," where he managed to find many opportunities to blow shit up and put Johnny Depp in really strange makeup to try to make us forget that he co-starred in "21 Jump Street" with Peter DeLuise.

* Most excited, though, are the 893 Facebook friends of the IT Sith who don't have to read the minute-by-minute status updates of Comic-Con anymore because the rest of the world doesn't cry tears of kung-fu joy when we see the "Ninja Assassin" trailer.