Flee-Ass. Pless Hacked!

 

Posted: After being rerouted through the State Department, Treasury, White House and Pentagon Web sites


ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- Flee-Ass. Pless, the puppet mouthpiece Web site of the imperialist pig American aggressor, was hacked yesterday using a brilliant denial of service attack perpetrated by foreign-based software engineers who used their superior intellect and juche -- the flawless Korean philosophy of self-reliance -- to successfully make a mockery of the Western paper tiger that finds itself flailing limply in its final, putrid days.

The beautiful, highly choreographed attack occurred over the American "Independence Day" holiday weekend when fat Americans eat hot dogs and light each other on fire to celebrate their "freedom."

"We were foolhardy in our attempt to contemplate what would have been a futile and unsuccessful military attack on the beautiful and culturally rich Democratic People's Republic of Korea," President Obama said in a statement e-mailed to the Flee-Ass. Pless on the same night as the hacking.

"Kim Jong-Il is very tall and handsome and didn't have a stroke," he added.

Michael Jackson Funeral Recap

Posted: From the Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays memorial ceremony down the street at the slightly smaller Wiltern Theatre. Opening act: Tito.

HOLLYWEIRD -- Fans, friends and family alike gathered for Michael Jackson's funeral yesterday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Although FAP was not able to obtain tickets to the event, as a service to our readers, we have put together the following recap of the event from what we heard happened from a guy on the bus who was near the Staples Center and from the sh*tty feed on tmz.com while we were supposed to be working.

Seen at the ceremony:

* A star-studded turnout with Michael Jackson's closest friends and A-listers -- like some chubby kid from "Britain's Got Talent," Usher "Here's Your Papers, Baby, Now Get the Hell Out!" Raymond and John "I Make Gross Sex Faces When I Solo" Mayer. Also in attendance was the Rev. Al Sharpton who stopped in to speak before running off to find more TV cameras to stand in front of. He was later caught grinding with a tripod.

* A 10-minute pill retrospective narrated by the boyishly good-looking Dr. Sanjay Gupta

* Multiple shots of the family whispering about why the event wasn't organized by the family and what the f**k was going on, and what are all these Nation of Islam guys doing here?

* L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa constantly refreshing the screen on the city's PayPal account to see if there was enough money to continue with the ceremony.

Overheard at the ceremony:

* Sharpton to Jackson's kids: "There was nothing strange about your father. There was only strange he had to deal with. That strange he had to deal with was that our society just HAS to insist that grown men not ply tweens with wine in a Coke can and VHS copies of 'Fantasia.'"

*Kobe Bryant said that before a big game, he "beats it" to Michael's sister Janet's 2004 Super Bowl halftime show wardrobe malfunction.

*Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert organizer said that he wants people to celebrate Jackson's life. "People should celebrate it by buying a pre-sale copy of our 100 hours of documentary footage from the 'This Is It' concert now available exclusively at Wal-Mart and iTunes. We have a lot of bills to pay people. A lot of bills. Seems we misplaced that $90 million we made from ticket presales."

* A "closing argument" by Jackson attorney Tom Mesereau, who argued that Jackson is not a pedophile because he is technically not living and/or touching someone.

Source: Powerful Sedative Found in Sarah Palin's Resignation Speech

Posted: In the unstable aisle, right above the crazy

WE'LLSUEYA, Alaska -- The Free-Ass. Press has learned that investigators reviewing transcripts of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's July 3 resignation speech say it contained a powerful sedative laced with crazy that quickly put her political career into cardiac arrest. It died three minutes later.

A former high-level staffer for the McCain-Palin presidential campaign tells FAP that Palin called her the night before she resigned, frantically begging her to administer help injecting Palin's speech with better language.

"She told me she was staring at a blank Word document. All she had was a headline: 'This Is It.' She begged me to come over and help her write a lucid, calm explanation for her erratic and politically immature decision to resign," the staffer said. "I refused."

Alaska's Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell released a never-before-seen video of Gov. Palin just two days before her career died. In the video, she is shown making logical arguments and doing the business of governing while wearing black slacks, white socks and a sequined glove on her left hand.

In an equally crazy statement, Palin, through her attorney, Thomas Van Flunterschluffenhausenberger, warned the Internet that she will sue it if the stories questioning her "slutty flight attendant" clothing choices continue.

"This is America, and we have freedom from speech here," Palin said. "You can't just go around reporting things that I've said and done and not expect legal consequences."

"Especially when they're true and embarrassing," she added. 

Palin's career will be buried in an unmarked grave, soon to be forgotten but honored each year with a spot on "America's Funniest Home Videos" right after the montage of guys getting whacked in the balls.