Al Franken Sworn In; Dems Declare Independence From GOP

Members of the GOP gather to discuss the most recent episode of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight"

Posted: On Newt Gingrich's lapel

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an overly zealous, self-lefteous display of pompousness, Al Franken was sworn in as the 60th vote in the Democratic Senate caucus. To commemorate the event, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unveiled an all-new Declaration of Independence from Republicans, who are now officially irrelevant.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident," Pelosi said through her brow-lifted permasmile. "That Democrats have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of filibuster-proof majorities."

"Did I just say 'right to life?'" she asked. "I meant the right to choose a safe, legal and available option for terminating my liberal, San Francisco pregnancy, should I suddenly reverse my menopause and find a male willing to actually do it with me."

Also included in today's announcement was a declaration of independence from "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's forbidden, tragic love affairs and any more celebrity deaths.

Happy 4th of July everybody!!!

Norm Coleman Announces 'This Is It' Tour

Posted: On the door of Al Franken's Senate office

BOY RIVER, Minn. -- Former Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman graciously conceded his Senate race to Al Franken today just eight months, two recounts, a lawsuit, three appeals and three losses later. However, his concession was merely a prelude to his big announcement.

He stood in front of a podium with a sign hanging on it that simply read, "KING OF GOP; NORM COLEMAN; THIS IS IT." Coleman plans to fill the hole of shows in London left by the untimely death of Michael Jackson.

"This is it. This is the final curtain call," Coleman said. "Unless the U.S. Supreme Court decides to hear my case, which may take a while because I'm waiting for this Sotomayor thing to work itself out."

The 50-show run will feature an all-star Republican cast with heavyweights like John McCain singing "The Doggone Pinko Won," or South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford singing, "Maria Belen Chapur (Is Not My Lover)," and all-time crowd favorite, "N.Y.T."

Former Rep. Mark Foley and former Sen. Larry Craig will sing the Jackson-Paul McCartney classic duet, "Gay Gay Gay."

After the press conference, Coleman showed his loving support for his party by covering Dick Cheney with a towel and dangling him over a balcony.

Billy Mays Lobbies Obama for Secretary of State

Editor's Note: Wow, it sure seems trendy to die this week. If that's the case, we've got our fingers crossed for Paris Hilton next week. In any event, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored was moved by the passing of several extremely talented people. 

We were also sad to learn Ed McMahon died. 

Among the most shocking of this week's four celebrity deaths was that of Billy Mays. If a person could look like a city, he looked like Pittsburgh -- or a grizzly bear gay porn actor. Either way, Billy was interesting. Here is a story we ran last Nov. 10, just after the election. RIP, Billy.

Posted: Every two minutes, on every channel, for every product imaginable

DUNEDIN, Fla. -- TV pitchman Billy Mays, known just as much for his obviously dyed hair and beard as for his voice that has irritated millions into buying his useless products, has begun lobbying President-Elect Barack Obama for a position in his cabinet -- and for a position for his wireless LED light underneath the cabinet in the White House kitchen.

Mays, a pitch man for everything from home cleaning products to health insurance -- yes, health insurance! -- says he is the perfect man to pitch Obama's agenda to the rest of the world, including Americans here at home.

"Hi, Billy Mays here for Billy Mays, the incredible potential Secretary of State in a new Democratic administration!" he screamed in a YouTube video e-mailed to the Illinois senator's transition team. "Get troops out of Iraq with just a dab of leadership!" Mays shouted. "And if you call now, we'll send extra troops to Afghanistan!"

Obama phoned Mays at 1-800-221-8000 and thanked him for the generous offer of service, but gently reminded him that the era of loud, one-way negotiation, forcing things on people that they don't want, is finally over. Obama then bought 12 LED lights.