MJ Death Headlines You'll Read Here First

Posted: On the bottom of Bubbles' cage

CREEPY CARNIVAL-LIKE BACKYARD COMPOUND -- As a public service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored -- which has found this story to be so important that it has convened an in-person meeting of its Atlanta and Indianapolis bureaus -- has decided to publish every possible headline that hack journalists/"entertainment" reporters/"Free-Ass. Press wannabes" might come up with to "creatively" announce pop superstar Michael Jackson's death.

We hereby declare the following list of headlines officially off limits. We're looking in your direction, TMZ. Read the time stamp, bitches.

MJ Attends Thriller Zombie Reunion
Islam to MJ: No Thanks
MJ Sidewalk Goes Dark
MJ, Burnt Hair Reunited
MJ Beats It
MJ:  The Doggone Guy is Dead
MJ Puts on Heart-Stopping Performance
MJ Cardiac Arrested
MJ Charged With Angel Molestation
MJ Meets the Man in the Mirror
Michael, Bubbles Reunite
Elephant Man Estate Buys MJ Bones
Jackson 4 to Hold Auditions
Jackson Dies; White Glove Lonely
MJ From Hell: Gary, Indiana Still Worse
MJ Buried Holding Crotch
Linguistics Scholars Devastated: ’Mama Say Mama Saw Ma Mafusah’ Never to be Defined
MJ Goes To Never-Neverland Ranch in Sky
Jackson Gotta Be Finishin’ Somethin’
Elephant Man Punches MJ In The Face
"Weird" Al Pretends to Have a Heart Attack
Demerol Is Not My Lover
Tito to Assume 'King of Pop' Duties Until Replacement Can Be Found
Sequin Futures Take Huge Hit In Market
FCC Fines Jackson for Heart Malfunction
MJ Won’t Be There
Bubbles Vindicated
We Are Not the World
MJ Joins Macauley Culkin’s Career
OJ Simpson Cleared of Suspicion in MJ Death; Was Killing Someone Else at the Time
Fuhrman Planted Bloody, Sequined White Glove at MJ Death Scene
Everyone Named Mike Jackson Breathes a Huge Sigh of Relief
Farrah Fawcett: 'What Am I, Chopped Liver?'
Steve Jobs: 'No, I Am'

Steve Jobs Announces Release Of iLiver

Posted: On Billy Rubin's locker

SILICONE VALLEY -- In a surprise appearance today from his driveway, Steve Jobs announced the release of the brand new 80-gigabyte solid-state iLiver.

"I am the test patient," Jobs said as he rocked out to a 6,000-song playlist mix of '80s music that simultaneously secretes bile. "It requires no headphones, the click-wheel has been replaced by my belly button and to charge it, all you need to do is take heavy, heavy doses of corticosteroids -- or stick your finger in an electrical socket."

Reviews of the new technology have been mixed as many of the technophile reviewers prefer their own liver to one Steve Jobs sells them.

"I don't think he has all the bugs worked out yet," said Mike Chang, an avid Apple early adopter who lives in Seattle. "We all know how the iPancreas went over." Still, Jobs has faith.

"Don't get me wrong: The pain is f**king unbearable, but for 80 gigs of memory? I can store my entire catalog of Rush, Yes and Kiss albums. That's pretty amazing," he said.

"And lame," Chang added.

Underground Miner Charged in Bike-Pump Murder Spree

Posted: Just below the top soil

ALADDIN'S CASTLE -- In a tragic public works mystery, 16 underground citizens were killed Thursday by a high-powered bicycle pump. The only remains found were two hollow eyes floating in space and exploded flesh strewn amongst a bed of flowers.

Among the 16 dead included 12 brothers Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brad Pooka of South Boston. Their younger brother Will Pooka escaped death because he was out of town "seeing about a girl," said one witness, a bearded friend who declined to give his name. Also dead were three fire-breathing Fygars who were independent contractors for the department of sewage and waste removal.

Charged in the killings was 27-year-old haz-mat specialist Dignan Duggar, known as "Dig Dug" to his friends and co-workers.

"These charges are wildly inflated," said Q. Bert Zaxxon, Esq., Dug's defense attorney. "If you give me another quarter, we'll have a chance to continue our argument on the top score screen, where we'll make our arguments three letters at a time."

"NOT. GLT," Zaxxon said.

"BRA. FUK," he added.