Despite Bankruptcy, Six Flags Unveils New 'Ride'

Posted: In the light-up tunnel on The Demon

GURNEE, Ill. -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic downturn, Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and changed its name to simply "Flag."

 Teenage boys across the country were horrified to learn that they may not have the opportunity to make out with their girlfriend in a three-hour line to ride the latest incarnation of whatever Batman movie ride is currently being offered.  

"Like every other corporate bankruptcy, you won't see any changes at all at the company or at the theme parks," said Six Flags CEO Dancing Old Guy In A Bowtie. "We will still maintain our everyday policy of closing all the cool rides for maintenance, charging $7 for Dippin' Dots and featuring a terrible puppet show in a theater that no one has entered since 1983."

Each year, Six Flags opens a new ride to attract visitors to its parks. CEO Bowtie announced this year's new ride on an investor's conference call.

"It's called 'Hot Dog Cart,'" he explained to the only journalist present, Matt Bissegger, a reporter for "The Central Times," Naperville Central High School's student newspaper. "We have emptied out the scalding, creamy hot dog water and inserted a seat in its place. Once you strap in, the ride operator mumbles indiscernibly into his cupped hand and then pushes you down the ride's 'track,' which in this case is the asphalt path that runs throughout the park."

Upon exiting the ride -- wherever in the park that might happen to be -- riders will have the opportunity to buy a $25 airbrushed T-shirt that reads, "I survived the Hot Dog Cart." Those who don't survive will not have that opportunity.

N. Korea Threatens To Unleash Lakers Fans On S. Korea

Several members of the elite North Korean corps that will deploy to South Korea next week practice their maneuvers.

Posted: By the security guard at the Del Taco on Santa Monica and Highland


PYONGYANG -- In yet another attempt to threaten South Korea -- because nuclear tests and ballistic missile launches have not worked -- North Korea now promises to inflict billions of dollars of damage on South Korea by sending 15 Los Angeles Lakers fans south of the border to "f**k sh*t up."

"Each Lakers fan will be equipped with a video iPod loaded with footage from the Lakers' 16 championship title games," said Half Jong-il, the younger half brother and real successor to North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il. "Seeing these videos on repeat will create a constant and horrifying state of destructive euphoria unmatched by any military regiment in history."

Just yesterday, President Obama stated that North Korea posed a "grave threat." After this hawkish, full-of-action-but-not-sh*t statement, Obama returned to the Oval Office where he promptly went online and ordered the tiny North Korean leader a "Peace & Hugs Summer Hugs Bear" from Build-A-Bear Workshop with a card that read, "Miss you, Kimmy. Let's six-party soon. -- B.O."

Although South Korea has not offered any official response, FAP has confirmed that South Korea has amassed approximately 40,000 United Manchester soccer hooligans on its northern border, each equipped with a video iPod and footage of any goal M.U. ever scored.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL," they added, before punching each other in the face repeatedly and then toasting pints of Carling Black Label.

Gitmo Detainees to Work as Wal-Mart Greeters

Posted: As part of our George W. Bush Rollback!

ROLLA, Mo. -- In a perfect storm of all the things Americans are afraid of, hundreds of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo Bay are being brought to the United States as part of a new federal warfare-to-work program that will employ them as Wal-Mart greeters.

The new federal job program, dubbed "Gitmo to Greet Mo'," will serve a valuable purpose, according to our Muslim socialist president at a White House press conference announcing the program.

"This program puts people to work doing jobs that no one else will do," Obama said. "Except old ladies."

The "Gitmo to Greet Mo'" program bypasses maximum-security federal penitentiaries located all over the United States and instead pays for jihadists' food and housing and provides them work. The thinking is that terrorists will not want to blow up America if they get to experience first-hand how nice and welcoming Americans are. However, this scenario will create a whole new set of terrorists: old ladies who lost their jobs to terrorists.

"Now it makes sense to take away old ladies' nail clippers at the airport," Obama said. "This was part of a larger strategy that we are just now seeing positive results from.

So far, 27 detainees have been placed as Wal-Mart greeters. Just 26 have committed suicide -- a success, according to the Obama administration. Several of them aired their martyrdom videos over the Wal-Mart Network, the in-house television programming at Wal-Mart stores nationwide.

The remaining terrorist couldn't believe the deals available at Wal-Mart and has begun studying for the midday checker exam.

"From there, who knows? Maybe flight school," he said. "The sky's the limit."