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N. Korea Ratchets Up Rhetoric, "Tupacs" South Korea

Posted: By Bjorn Borg in a Pyongyang Lyong Jyohn Silver's

PYONGYANG -- In a surprise escalation of rhetoric on the Korea peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il held a close-quarters press conference today where he presented a diplomatic message to South Korea.

"Wassup? You wanna go?" he said, shifting his weight back and forth on his heel lifts as he stood mere inches from the camera lenses. "That's right, trick-ass Southie! You heard me. Whatchoo gonna do?"

"Yongbyon," he added.

North Korea's most recent escalation tactic was launching several missiles into the ocean, a tactic that struck fear in the hearts of many South Koreans and some fish. However, when the missile launches failed to gain the attention of American officials more important than mid-level diplomats, the hermit-sized Dear Leader of the Hermit Kingdom decided to launch a verbal attack.

At the same press conference, Kim Jong-il threw 100 North Korean Won bills at the cameras, brandished a sideways-held .45 magnum and took a swig of Hennessy while wearing a full-length (for him) fur coat and hat.

"Want me to drop a bomb on your ass?" he asked.

"Far East Side, yo," he added.

Sotomayor Breaks Racist Ankle

The cast of the new sitcom, "I'm The Judge" on CBS.

Posted: On a banana peel at La Guardia Airport

NEW YORK CITY -- In a surprising twist of events and ankles, U.S. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was late for a trip to Washington, D.C., when she broke her racist ankle.

"The truth has finally been revealed," said Dr. John Powers, head of the trauma unit at New York's La Guardia Airport and sergeant-at-arms for the New York Minutemen. "The X-rays showed that her broken bones are white and not Puerto Rican as she previously led everyone to believe."

"That's a deal -- and ankle -- breaker," he added.

Powers, after conducting a series of tests with a weird instrument where he repeatedly asked her if it felt "prickly" -- to the point where the word started sounding weird -- said Sotomayor is expected to make a full recovery.

"She will recover fully from her injuries but not from her racism," said Dr. Powers. "Some say she doesn't have a racist bone in her body. I say, 'Did you attend the presitigious Academy of Body Demonry and Medical Witchery like me? No? Then you need to check again. It's called her ankle.'"

Although Powers and Sotomayor disagree on their political beliefs, Powers still found time to sign her cast, writing, "We don't need no stinkin' activist judges! LOL! BFF! Racist. j/k. Dr. P. -- not Pepper, Powers."

U.S. to Switch to Metric Time Next Week (or Next Week If You Do the Conversion)

Posted: In the inside pocket of your blue Trapper Keeper folder

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following up on a promise the Carter Administration made 30 years ago, President Obama is vowing to bring the United States into the 21st century by switching to the more scientific metric method of timekeeping already employed in Europe and everywhere else on Earth.

"No longer will our children be confused about why there are the seemingly random 364 and one-quarter days in a year," said Obama in a press conference held at .75/100 o'clock on Day 4.0 of the week. "The year will now be 100 days long."

"Starting right now," he added, looking at his watch, a brand-new Casio built for the conversion.

The new metric time system breaks down like this:

100 seconds in a minute.
100 minutes in an hour.
100 hours in a day.
10 days a week.
100 weeks in a year.

To calculate the conversion, simply take the original number (n) multiply it by 100, divide by 24, then add 100 to it. Garnish with cilantro. Serves eight.

Due to an unexplainable mathematical phenomenon, there will now be 8.4 years in a decade yet President Obama's four-year term won't end until the latter part of 2134, according to MIT mathematician Dr. W. Hunting.

Obama also argued that the move will stimulate the economy, specifically the professional services industry.

"We can now lie to a whole new set of businesses selling our 'U2M' conversion services," said Ron Donaldson, managing partner of Deebag, Schwartz & Cocklyn, a technology consulting firm based everywhere and nowhere.

"Our motto is: a sucker is born every 100 seconds," he added.