Corrections That We Sincerely Regret

Posted: On page 12A, after the Sotomayor, Air France, Obama in the Middle East, General Motors and North Korea stories but before the Word Jumble and the full-page furniture liquidation ads that no one reads.


In our story, "Illness Study: That Thing Going Around Started With You," we suggested that people, "Stay the f**k home! They're called sick days. Use them. Nobody wants to use the copier after you just blew hot sick all over it. We know you're still gonna show up because you have a 'can-do attitude.' If you can't stay the f**k home, just stay the f**k away from me. And please don't wear that purple fuzzy outfit that you think looks professional but is really just pajamas with stirrups." We failed to mention that you should also wash your hands with warm, soapy water. We apologize for the error.

In our story, "Air Force One Buzzes Lower Manhattan Over Goose's Objections," we reported that Obama called this Mitchell guy and said, "You screw up again, and you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong." This was inaccurate. The United States does not import rubber dog shit from Hong Kong, but rather exports steamy, stinky real dog shit from Hollywood, including the 1986 film "Top Gun," the "Porky's" trilogy and "Turner & Hooch." We regret the producers' errors.

In the story, "Obama To Replace David Souter With Bruce Sutter," we repeatedly wrote the Supreme Court nominee's name using the less-offensive, more politically correct Americanized spelling (Bruce Sutter) rather than the traditional Puerto Rican spelling (Sonia Sotomayor). Both spellings are accurate as both are names of people who were brought in as relievers. We don't regret anything. We just wanted to take advantage of an opportunity to rub it in your face that we were right ... again.

In our headline, "Corrections That We Sincerely Regret" that just ran right now, we mistakenly implied that one should regret making a correction. In fact, one would regret making an error, not a correction. We regret the correction.

In the correction, "In our headline, 'Corrections That We Sincerely Regret' that just ran right now ...," we said that we regret the correction. We would like to now correct the regret. We regret the error of regretting a correction.

Sotomayor Questioned About Facebook Status Updates

Posted: Less than a second ago

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was on Capitol Hill yesterday meeting with Senate leaders, answering their questions about her judicial record. One of the most heated meetings was with Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.), the youngest member of the Senate. According to transcripts from the closed-door meeting, Pryor grilled Sotomayor on her record of Facebook status updates and other activities.

Apparently, Sen. Pryor has a friend-of-a-friend who is a Facebook friend of Sotomayor, which allows Pryor to get Sotomayor's status updates and to see her groups and affiliations. Highlights from their meeting include:

"I see you are a fan of soup. What would you do if there was a Supreme Court case involving soup?"
"How often do you zombie hug your friends?"
"You took a quiz last week that said if you were a superhero you would be Green Lantern. Don't you think that's a bit racist? Also, since the upcoming 'Green Lantern' movie will star Seth Rogen, isn't it fair to say you're a pro-marijuana legalization zealot who will stop at nothing to decriminalize those sticky, sticky, sweet-smelling nugs?"
"You are not currently a fan of the group called 'Black People.' Why not?"
"Last week, you ignored a friend request from Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.). What's up with that?"

Sotomayor had no comment after her meeting with Pryor other than to say that she has not Super Poked anyone since her divorce.

North Korea Declares War on East Korea

Posted: On the light pole on the corner of Western and San Marino in Los Angeles

PYONGYANG -- In yet another provocative act of defiance against the international community, North Korea test-fired a short-range missile today into the ocean off its east coast. 


"We have been under attack by the ocean people of East Korea for many Ban Ki-moons," said Half Jong-Il, the younger half brother and successor to Kim Jong-Il, the current leader of North Korea. "We are simply defending our country from daily provocations of waves sent splashing on our sovereign shores."


It is rumored that the ocean people of East Korea strongly protested the launch, however none could be found for comment. Although North Korea might have mistaken "East Korea" for a guy in a boat, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised a swift and decisive response.


"North Korea has chosen to alienate itself from the international community with its highly provocative acts that are even more egregious than my husband's ongoing marital belligerence," she said. "The United States is therefore implementing a permanent Kimchi embargo. We will also continue to keep all options on the table."


"Except Kimchi," she added.