End of Story. Period.

by Colt (J.R.) Cassidy

The Free-Ass. Press Editorial Bored is proud to present the commentary of Colt (J.R.) Cassidy, a conservative columnist, card-carrying member of the NRA and possibly your high school algebra teacher.

Graduation Address to Naperville Central High School
May 24, 2009

All right, stop applauding. You bombed the final, and I haven't decided if I'm grading on a curve yet, so a little clapping won't do jack for your grade situation.

It's a pleasure to speak here today because it means we've reached the point in the year where I don't have to teach you anymore. However, I wouldn't miss the opportunity to give you one more piece of inspirational, life-affirming advice before you go to college, get strung out smoking drugs, drop out and end up in the g*ddamn ditch like the economy has thanks to President Barack Hussein Obama.

Don't smoke drugs, kids. And don't drop out of college. Actually, go ahead and do those things, because it doesn't matter. You will still end up in the g*ddamn ditch. Look at me. I wanted to be a high school principal. I taught algebra for 27 years, and I'm not even head of the math department yet. Who is? That dick, Stromberg, who is half my age and has some fancy degree from Southwest Missouri State. What's so inspirational about that? I just saved you 27 years of going after your dreams. It won't happen. Trust me. You should be excited about that. Your future is a blank slate. And so is my pension.

That's also why you shouldn't plan for the future. You put your life savings in stocks and real estate, and what happens? The school board invests it in Bernie Madoff and poof: The g*ddamn ditch.

Hey! If I see that beach ball fly one more time, you'll all get Saturday detention. I'll turn the lunchroom into the biggest detention hall you've ever seen if I have to. I'm serious as a heart attack, mister.

And for the parents, sorry the news isn't so good. You know I'm right. At least this was a good excuse to eat some ambrosia salad and see Grandma. Before you know it, she'll be dead, you'll be broke from paying her funeral expenses and your kids' out-of-state binge drinking and pretty soon everyone will be wondering how you wound up in the g*ddamn ditch.

So, congratulations everyone. In case I don't see you in summer school, I told you so.

Senior class dismissed -- figuratively and literally.

California General Assembly Leaks Draft of "Proposition 9"

The Obama-McCain marriage before Prop 8.

Posted: In a California voting booth in both English and Spanish

SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- In the wake of the California Supreme Court ruling that upheld Proposition 8 banning gay marriage, the Free-Ass. Press has received from an anonymous source with a thick Austrian accent the language of the California General Assembly's response, a resolution called Proposition 9. Below is Prop 9 in its full, unedited form.

Whereas, you live in California and you are a closed-minded f**k;

Whereas, your need to needle in the lives of others borders on the maniacal;

Whereas, gay marriage isn't ruining your marriage, that would be you;

Whereas, your children won't get confused and they already think you are lame;

Whereas, gay people won't stop being gay just like you won't stop eating Lean Cuisine and driving an SUV because you 'have two big dogs that love the dog park;'

Whereas, rainbow flags are not on display because people like rainbows;

Whereas, visiting someone in the hospital or making a will seems OK even if someone is gay;

Whereas, separate but equal is not equal;

Whereas, you love gay people on TV, especially Ellen DeGeneres and that Jack guy from "Will & Grace" and most of the guys on "American Idol," including Adam Lam-bear;

Whereas, you think slavery is wrong, women voting is cool and you voted for the first black president;

Whereas, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maine, Iowa and Vermont allow gay marriage;

Whereas, you saw the movie, "Milk" with Sean Penn because you still love "Fast Times at Ridgemont High;"

Whereas, I've never understood this whole 'whereas' thing in declarations like this.

Whereas, Larry and Craig deserve to be together.

Therefore, we think it's totally gay that the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8.