Indy 500 Drivers Upset: Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

Editor's note: We're taking a Free-Ass. Four-Day Weekend to recharge our funny. In the meantime, enjoy this story from last year that went viral faster than you can say "swine flu." 

Enjoy the holiday!

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The numbers on the pole at Indianapolis Motor Speedway represent the price per gallon of gasoline at each driver's pit.

Posted: at 219.0873652 mph

INDIANAPOLIS -- The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's 92nd running of the Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes and an exceedingly high number of caution flags.

After Ryan Briscoe clipped Danica Patrick's car in pit row on Lap 171, Patrick exited her car in a fit of rage. Instead of confronting Briscoe, she made an aggressive beeline toward her refueling crew to give them a piece of her mind.

Track sources say that earlier in the race, Patrick's Citgo card had been declined for being over the limit during a routine pit stop. Patrick nearly ran out of gas before her crew was able to cobble together the $584 required to fill her IndyCar's 35-gallon tank for another 28 laps of racing.

"I'm just the fuel guy; I don't set the prices!" said Gianni Cutri, the head of Patrick's three-member refueling team as he ran to hide in an opposing team's garage.

"That's what they all say," Patrick replied. "I don't buy it from the local gas station, and I don't buy it from you." She then shoved him before security intervened and walked her back to her garage, where she began throwing things after seeing her most recent Citgo statement lying on a workbench.

Later, three accidents occurred on pit row when local radio station Q95 held a "We'll Buy Your Gas" promotion between laps 110 and 112. Some drivers were still in line at Lap 158. Local radio hosts "Bob and Tom" were heard giggling the entire time even though nothing funny was happening.

Scott Dixon, winner of this year's race, had a bittersweet ending in Brick Row when he was asked to pay for the milk he drank as part of the traditional celebration.

"That shit ain't free," said Indy Racing League CEO Tony George. "Have you seen the price of milk lately? It's worse than gas!"

Next year, the Indy 500 will be retitled the Indy 290, and most drivers are pledging to drive a Toyota Prius in the race, according to George.

"I don't know what I was thinking driving such a gas-guzzling racecar all of these years," famed driver Helio Castroneves said. "I'm definitely in the market now for something more practical and with more seats, so [Penske Racing teammate Ryan] Briscoe and I can carpool."

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Pelosi Waterboards CIA Director for Location of Torture Memos, Sexual Gratification

Nancy Pelosi's bedroom.

Posted: Next to the bed of nails

LANGLEY, Va. -- Stunning documents leaked to the Free-Ass. Press reveal that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi waterboarded CIA Director Leon Panetta no less than 26 times last week in her quest to get him to tell her the location of the notes on when she was briefed on the use of waterboarding, and because she wanted to be the "crusty bun on a hot, wet Panetta sandwich."

Pelosi has come under fire this week for denying that she was briefed in 2002 on the "enhanced interrogation techniques" used by the Bush administration in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Panetta, considered a high-value target in Pelosi's office because of his sensitive position and sweet ass, was waterboarded nearly 30 times last week in an effort to get him to talk dirty, according to memos given to FAP by a Congressional source who has provided valuable and mostly credible information in the past.

"Where did you hear that?" Pelosi asked this reporter. "What's his name? I want it."

"I want it bad," she added.

Pelosi then threatened to waterboard this reporter if he did not reveal the source of the leaked memo that outlined her waterboarding of Panetta, who Pelosi thought had information about previous waterboardings. Waterboarding.

"I was not briefed on waterboarding at any time," she said. "I learned how to do it on my own, late-at-night on the Internet with HD video for $7.99 a minute. The fact that I may have waterboarded others possibly many wonderfully exhilirating consensual times is not something I'm going to apologize for."

GM Unloads Pontiac; Americans Not Sure What To Put On Blocks In Front Yard

Posted: Next to the light at the end of the economic tunnel

WOODSTOCK, Ga. -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, GM has stepped up its efforts to avoid Chapter 11 bankruptcy and dropped the Pontiac badge from its line of cars. Thousands of Americans who made a really stupid choice are now at a loss as to what brand of car they should put on blocks in their front yards.

"In 1992, I bought a '79 Trans Am with that gold bird-thang on the hood," said Zeke Hawkins, a proud Pontiac owner. "I couldn't wait to get it up on blocks. That was back when Pontiacs made your double-wide look classy."

However, the economic outlook is not as bad as some economists say, and we should listen to them, because as the last two years has taught us, economists are always right. Always.

The wheel-less, in-need-of-repair Pontiac market is a lagging economic indicator, and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said he expects Pontiacs will continue to be up on blocks in poorly mown front lawns for a good 30 years to come.

"The pipeline for sh*tty cars continues to show strength, especially in the American car market," Bernanke said. "Nothing says economic recovery like a faded red Fiero or a white convertible '88 Sunbird with a dented hood and a duct-taped headlight."

To show his solidarity with Detroit and to extend an olive branch to the white Americans who would never vote for him in a million years, President Obama has promised to put a red 2001 Grand Prix with the driver's door mirror and the right-side ground effects missing up on blocks in the White House Rose Garden.

Despite its impending demise, Pontiac plans to roll out a new marketing campaign this summer with the slogan, "We used to build excitement. We probably should have focused on building quality cars. Sorry about that."