Peter Orszag Is The Love Child Of Bert and Ernie

Posted: Between the B and E headboards

SESAME STREET -- In a surprising announcement today, Peter Orszag, director of the Office of Management and Budget, admitted that he is the love child of Sesame Street regulars Bert and Ernie. The secret was discovered on a casual friday when Orszag went to a budget meeting wearing a yellow, orange and blue striped v-neck sweater with a white turtleneck.

"I forgot I had that sweater," Orszag said. "I couldn't hide it anymore. Dad-E agreed it was time to tell people. Then Dad-E played his drums every time Dad-B tried to talk. I love my family."

As a result of this announcement, Bert and Ernie have traded their two single beds for a queen-sized bed with "Orszag" written on the headboard. They also signed a book deal with Penguin books and plan to purchase a condo with more than one room.

When asked for comment, Bert and Ernie's longtime neighbor, the Count said, "Two! Two gay puppets! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Study: Speed Stick Corrects Problems of Slow Deodorant

Chris Callaghan

Posted: So often you can skip a day

HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM -- In a new study released today by the Center for Hygiene-Device Velocity, scientists concluded that the brand-name deodorant "Speed Stick by Mennen" goes on much faster than other brands, all of which are abysmally slow.

Chris Callaghan, 17, known in his Libertyville, Ill., high school as "The Hairy Kid Who Matured Before Everyone Else But Whose Parents Forgot to Introduce Him to Deodorant," tried to do a blind test of Speed Stick and competitor Slowdy Odorant but simply couldn't.

"What do you do with it? I don't get it," he said.

With a single application under each arm, Slowdy Odorant takes, on average, 6.2 seconds to work. Speed Stick takes 6.0 seconds -- clearly better.

Scientists predict that a savings of .2 seconds every day makes for a savings of four minutes throughout one's high-school career or the approximate amount of time it takes The Hairy Kid Who Matured Before Everyone Else But Whose Parents Forgot to Introduce Him to Deodorant to figure out what smells so bad.

"I'm still not sure why I ... do you smell that?" Callaghan added.

Obama To Replace David Souter With Bruce Sutter

Supreme Court Justice Bruce Sutter

Posted: In Bruce Sutter's sweaty, glistening beard

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. -- In a surprise announcement today, President Obama has nominated retired baseball hall-of-fame relief pitcher Bruce Sutter to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

"I want someone who understands that justice isn't about some abstract legal theory or footnote in a case book," Obama said as he once again rudely interrupted a Robert Gibbs press conference to introduce Bruce. "The American people are idiots, so I also wanted someone whose last name is Sutter."

"That last part was off the record," he added. "Speaking of records, did you know that Bruce Sutter had 194 saves for the St. Louis Cardinals in 1982, and pitched the World Series-clinching strikeout in Game 7 that year? This here's a winner, folks."

Obama also pointed out that as a Cy Young Award-winning relief pitcher, Sutter is uniquely qualified for a seat on the nation's highest bench.

"Bruce understands better than anyone 'three strikes and you're out' laws," the president said. "Just ask Gorman Thomas."

Fellow hall-of-famer Rollie Fingers was also on the short list for Souter's seat, according to Obama's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, but he was later removed from the short list because his name does not sound like "Souter."

Sutter's appointment marks the first time any player in the history of the sport will take the bench to play the game. He also negotiated with Chief Justice John Roberts to wear a Cardinals hat with his black robe and be allowed to have Fredbird dance on the bench every time there is a 6-3 or better decision.