Jon Gosselin Caught Sneaking Out of Octomom's P**sy

Jon Gosselin's vehicle photographed near Octomom Nadya Suleman's "garage"

Posted: On the other side of the shark -- Season 2-ish?

CHILDLABOR, Pa. -- After a night of heavy drinking without his hellish, shrew of a wife or eight children anywhere in sight, "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" star Jon Gosselin found himself caught red-handed as he snuck out of Octomom Nadya Suleman's vagina at 7:30 a.m. last Tuesday, according to cell-phone video shot by an onlooker who may or may not work for the Free-Ass. Press.

Gosselin had no comment when confronted by an FAP reporter just outside Suleman's enormous clown car of a vagina, but later released a statement through his publicist -- because regular people "who are just raising their kids the best they can" have those.

"I simply went inside the vagina to talk to the owner," Gosselin said. "Nadya, who is just a friend, wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car, which was also parked inside her vagina. I am sorry for putting my family in this awkward position, and I have promised Nadya that I will pick up my car as soon as possible."

When Suleman was asked to comment, she freaked out and dialed 911 while repeating "Oh my God" over and over, because that's just what she does.

Birds File Infringement Suit; Tell Pigs To Get Their Own Illness

Posted: Right next to my large talons

GAINESVILLE, Ga. -- Chickens Living United for Chicken Rights (CLUCR), the trade group that represents birds living with avian flu, has filed a class-action federal lawsuit against pigs, claiming they have misappropriated the flu virus for their own publicity.

"We have a proprietary formula for creating a pervasive, ongoing and irrational fear among the general population," said Tyson Hormel, the cock who represents CLUCR. "These dirty pigs can't just come in and say, 'We have our own flu now.' We had the flu first, and we're not giving it to them, and we'll fight it all the way to the Supreme cluck-cluck-BEGAWK!!!! -- I mean, Court -- if we have to."

Pig spokesperson Eckrich Smithfield was traveling to Egypt to arrange grief counseling for the families of pigs caught up in the Swine Holocaust of Last Week.

"It's a damn shame what they did to those pigs," he said. "Just killing them in cold blood like that. No one even got the chance to grind up their body parts and stuff them into their own intestines to make delicious, delicious sausage. That's just cruel."

Passive Voice Was Eliminated by Eighth Grader on Recent Test

Posted: In an alternate universe where verbs chill out and let the subject get all the action

WASBY, Wash. -- Eighth grader Jonas Wilkins has been overjoyed by the fact that passive voice was eliminated by him on a recent test in his English class.

"Jonas has been struggling with active and passive voice," was said by his teacher, Joyce Ferdinandt. "I have taught him all I can. The ball has been thrown by me into his court."

Wilkins said that studying had been conducted by him nearly the entire night before the test, which paid off.

"Nailed it," was said by him.

"By me," was then added.

Passive voice was defined by "The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition," edited by E.D. Hirsch, Jr.; Joseph F. Kett and James Trefil, as follows:

"A verb is in the passive voice when the subject of the sentence is acted on by the verb."

When asked why passive voice was used by the editors in defining the very thing every English teacher in America works a lifetime to stamp out, Diana Reid, publisher Houghton Mifflin's VP of communications replied, “Yourself should be f**ked by you.”