David Copperfield Makes Economy Disappear

Part 3 in our series, "WAR! On Money!"

Posted: On the three of hearts. Is that your card? (Applause)

LAS VEGAS -- In a major press conference today, illusionist David Copperfield announced that the downturn of the economy was not due to America's banks and citizens being unscrupulously over-leveraged in the financial markets, but rather because he had made the economy disappear six months ago.

"I needed to do something big to get my career back on track," Copperfield said as he waved his creepy hands mysteriously while rock music that was arguably not at all rock music blared in the background. "In a Vegas show, you can only walk through the Great Wall of Slots so many times before it gets boring."

"The Grand Economic Illusion" is part of Copperfield's new Branson act. In it, he makes $10 trillion of shareholder wealth disappear using an elaborate system of smoke, mirrors and pulleys. He then saws the Dow Jones Industrial Average in half and, as a finale, has several doves fly out of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke's closely cropped beard.

The show, "Invest in Copperfield," will air on a little-watched one-hour block of paid programming he purchased on the Country Music Television (CMT) cable channel between 3 and 4 a.m. Sponsors will include Cash4Gold.com, "The Snuggie" and the f**king annoying pirate musicians from freecreditreport.com.

White House Releases Additional Torture Memo

Gitmo detainees sing, "It's a hard knock life."

Posted: In the CIA break room

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Coming on the heels of recently declassified CIA memos outlining detainee interrogation tactics at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the White House today released another memo detailing interrogation tactics far more cruel than the ones in the first set of memos, which included waterboarding, extreme sleep deprivation and putting prisoners in stress positions.

"I always want to look forward, not back," President Obama said. "I believe this so strongly that my bathroom mirror is exactly the shape of my silhouette so I can't see anything behind me."

Some of the new tactics now banned as "torture" include:

1. Adding more commercials when detainees watch "American Idol" so the suspense nearly kills them and they never find out who gets kicked off and then miss the next episode of "Fringe" because the Seacrest tease machine runs so long.
2. Providing only dial-up Internet access for detainees but using a super-fast coax connection in front of them while prison guards watch YouTube videos of "Will It Blend?"
3. Forcing prisoners to count and sort all bailout money given out to banks and auto companies so far ... one George Washington-faced dollar at a time.
4. Requiring prisoners to put on an extraordinary rendition of the hit Broadway musical, "Annie," in the central courtyard.

When FAP asked CIA Director Leon Panetta to explain these horrible and cruel tactics, he replied, "Hey baby! Don't hate the playa. Hate the game."

"They started it," he added.

Breakfast Cereal Industry "Completely Under Milk"

Part 7 of 3 in our series, "WAR! On Money!"

Posted: After we collected like 74 box tops which donated $1.22 to our local schools.

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. -- In yet another overly redundant sign of the horribly unending downward spiral of the worser-than-worst economic crisis since the Last Supper, the breakfast cereal industry, according to breakfast cereal industry experts, has been hit hard and is "completely under milk."

"Consumers are much more aware that they are getting ripped off paying $4 for puffed sugar," said Jessica Kipling, ombudsman for Kellogg's monthly company newsletter. As a result, Snap, a member of the Kellogg's Rice Krispies' trio, was given his pink milk slip. "No one could tell the difference between Snap and Pop. However, we are considering adding Soggy."

In addition to its round of layoff, Kellogg's has changed its slogan for Frosted Flakes from "They'rrrrrrrre great!" to "They'rrrrrrrrrre OK!"

Kellogg's isn't the only cereal company that was way overleveraged in its cereal-to-milk ratio. General Mills' Lucky Charms division is trying to raise more capital by selling off its excess inventory of blue moons and pots of gold. As well, Post Raisin Bran will no longer contain bran.

The only cereal which has managed to avoid economic trouble is Grape Nuts because in addition to being eaten, it can be used as an aggregate substitute when mixing stucco.