Disney Adds Navy Seal Snipers To "Pirates" Ride

Posted: Right after the electric light parade. God, I love light bulbs.

NEW ORLEANS SQUARE -- In an attempt to keep Disneyland's famous "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride hip and up-to-date, Walt Disney Company CEO Robert Iger has enlisted the help of the U.S. Navy and stationed three Navy Seal snipers inside the treacherous ride.

"We want our visitors to feel totally safe," Iger said. "That's why I have authorized the snipers to shoot any pirate threatening the lives of our guests."

"A 5-by-7 photograph of the incident will be available upon exiting the ride for just $9.99," he added.

Disney prides itself on promoting a family-friendly atmosphere, which is why it includes such heart-warming displays of terrorism like drowning a man in a well or looting a town and then burning it to the ground while pirates get drunk and sing songs about pirates getting drunk.

On the ride, the Navy snipers will be stationed at a point just after the pirates in jail lure a dog with a bone but before the fat guy gets drunk with the pig in the mud. Only one incident has been reported so far: Goofy tackled a 7-year-old guest and stole his cotton candy.

"One shot. Blackjack," said the sniper, who then disappeared into a mound of mud.

The actor who played Goofy will be buried inside Mr. Toad's Wild Ride on Tuesday.

Stick Figure Family Evicted From SUV Window

Sticker on the window of the Free-Ass. Press van.

Posted: Above the Calvin peeing sticker but below the Calvin praying sticker

THE EXPEDITION WHOSE EXPEDITION IS USUALLY A TRIP TO KROGER -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, the Stick Figure family living on the back tinted window of your neighbor's Ford Expedition has been evicted. Daddy, Mommy, Carson, Caitlyn and their stick dog Peaches could no longer afford their 4-square-foot spacious luxury window.

"We were overextended," Daddy said. "We should have known we couldn't afford that place. We can't even afford clothes, a quality haircut or body mass."

The Stick Figure family has since moved onto the cracked window of a '78 Ford Granada, an area known for high crime and public urination on Chevys by a child named Calvin.

"We don't smile anymore," Daddy said. "Especially when we were warned on our first day here that nothing in this car is worth dying for."

"Life Is Good" CEO Indicted For Fraud

"Life Is Good" apparel in a disgusting display of corporate bravado

Posted: In an overly cutesy airport shop

BOSTON -- In another casualty of the ongoing economic crisis, Bert Jacobs, CEO of the "Life Is Good" clothing and apparel line, has been indicted by a federal grand jury on fraud charges. The indictment, unsealed today, alleges that Jacobs peddled his wares with full knowledge that life is not good for most Americans right now.

"This apparel is a slap in the face to every American suffering during this economic crisis," said Michael Sullivan, U.S. attorney for the District of Massachusetts. "In fact, CEO Bert Jacobs took an $84 million dollar bonus in 2008 because he said 'life was awesome' last year. What a dick!"

"Life Is Good" apparel is a favorite product of annoying yuppie yoga-going soccer moms driving luxury SUVs who are looking for something super-cute to go with their new pink Nike jumper. The apparel features a wide-grinned, beret-wearing stick figure engaging in various sports and leisure activities unaffected by the world's deepening economic crisis.

"Never have we seen such disregard for the truth since Bobby McFerrin thumped his chest while singing 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' in the 1980s," Sullivan said.

"We're not falling for that shit again," he added.