Obama Drinks Pepsi On Korean Air; Logo Disaster Nearly Averted

Posted: On a Pepsi billboard which might have been a Korean Air ad or maybe an Obama sign ... or maybe all three

SKY -- In a display of goodwill to South Korea, President Barack Obama left Air Force One at home and flew Korean Air on a recent diplomatic trip to the Far East. However, when the president ordered a Pepsi from the flight attendant, mass panic spread throughout the cabin as the three logos -- Obama's, Pepsi's and Korean Air's -- converged simultaneously.

"It scared the sh*t out of me," said Rahm Emanuel, Obama's chief of staff. "The plane began to shake, Pepsi cans exploded and emergency rafts dropped from the ceiling pinning me to the wall. I couldn't do anything to stop it."

Marketing geniuses from both sides of the political aisle have warned that such a logo convergence could spell the end of America as we know it. Just as the pilots started looking for the Hudson River, Secret Service officers jumped in and changed Obama's order to a Schweppes Ginger Ale, saving countless lives and the entire institution of capitalism before the Dow dropped 743 points three minutes later.

During the scare, Vice President Joe Biden was taken to a secure, undisclosed location which was later disclosed to be the bourbon and cigar lounge at the Hair Club for Men.

Countrywide Now Offering Homeless Equity Loans

A primary corrugated residence.

Posted: Just below the numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11.

IRVINE, Calif. -- In an attempt to get the ethically questionable lender Countrywide Home Loans back on its feet, the morally failed mortgage company is launching a new loan product: "homeless equity loans."

The once-gianter lending giant plans to offer loans based on the equity Americans have accumulated in either their primary corrugated residences or secondary stolen shopping-cart residences. Those who have accumulated 800 or more aluminum cans in their large trash bags can expect the best terms, which are slightly worse than payday cash advance lenders.

"There are millions of Americans who have lost their homes," said Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo. "Some people call it a tragedy. I call it a target market! And believe me, it's a big target; some might say a super target."

According to Mozilo, many of these people are already Countrywide customers or will be for approximately 60 more days.

"You know what they say: 'It costs a lot more to find a new customer than to keep a current one.' That's why we're extending a helping hand to our drunk, deadbeat, dirty, bearded customers who all smell like pee by foreclosing on them as quickly as possible so that they can start fresh with this new option."

"Just like General Motors and Citigroup, we get it," he added.

North Korea Launches Underwater Spy Satellite

Posted: In the thrill of victory

OCEAN -- In a not-so-surprising affront to every country that is not North Korea, yesterday North Korea launched its first underwater spy satellite. Although the inter-ballistic missile was intended to reach space to broadcast patriotic songs and/or destroy Japan, instead it landed in the ocean.

"Right on the money," said North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an exclusive FAP interview. "We were going to drop it off a boat, but with the price of gas these days, we thought it would save money if we launched it off a homemade nuclear warhead-like missile in the face of strong international opposition."

Even though the prime minister of Japan called the launch "regrettable," President Barack Obama called the launch "highly provocative," and Variety called it, "one of the year's 10 best inter-ballistic debuts!"

Given the grand success of North Korea's efforts, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is now considering Kim Jong-Il as the new CEO of Chrysler.

"Love that LeBaron Coupe," Kim Jong-Il added. "That's the kind of sleek design we want to bring to our missile program."