Micronanoblogging Is the New Rage!

Posted: tdy

TWEETVILLE -- Responding to Twitter and Facebook users' ever-shrinking attention spans, a couple of Silicon Valley entrepreneurs have moved to fill the void with a new concept called micronanoblogging.

Where Twitter's microblogging platform limits users to 140 characters and nanoblogger platforms allow just one-word entries, Micronanoblogger allows just three characters, including punctuation.

"New," said Derek Del Carlo, co-founder and head of technology development for Micronanoblogger.

"Fun," he added.

Not everyone thinks the new platform is such a good idea. Many doomed it to failure, all in three characters.

"Dum," said user CutlassSoupReam, who then immediately deleted his account.

Illness Study: "That Thing Going Around Started With You"

Free-Ass. Health Beat-Down with Dr. Eugene Powers

Posted: On the un-Lysol'd door handle to the bathroom

YOURTOWN, U.S.A. -- A landmark study just released by the U.S. Center for Disease Blame (CDB) has concluded that "that thing going around started with you." In the spirit of full disclosure, the CDB contacted the Free-Ass. Press because every current office- and school-spread illness has been traced back to FAP readers. FAP's Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Eugene Powers, was gracious enough to present the following letter with recommendations and gentle reminders for you, gentle reader:

"Dear Reader:

You dirty, germ-infested, non-hand-washing bitch. How important do you think you and your job are that you feel compelled to show up for work with whatever super-strain of medication-resistant tuberculosis is currently oozing from your pores and ass? You're a middle manager in an irrelevant department to an irrelevant company.

And everyone hates you.

So, here are some tips to help you feel better:

1. Stay the f**k home! They're called sick days. Use them. Nobody wants to use the copier after you just blew hot sick all over it. We know you're still gonna show up because you have a "can-do attitude." If you can't stay the f**k home, just stay the f**k away from me. And please don't wear that purple fuzzy outfit that you think looks professional but is really just pajamas with stirrups.

2. Use a godd*mn garbage can for the Kleenex you litter wherever you go. And stop walking around the office with Kleenex plugs hanging out of your nose. It's called Sudafed. See No. 3.

3. Take drugs. Dayquil. Nyquil. Whatever Tom's of Maine holistic bullsh*t you are using made from flower petals and African tree bark doesn't work. I can see the disease filtering through my cloth-lined sectional walls. P.S. I hate the pictures you've hung up of your f**king cat. NO ONE CARES.

4. Don't talk to anyone, and don't answer the phone, and stop telling everyone you're sick! We know! No one wants to hear your gravelly, hot, breathy, snotty, sneezy voice. You look like f**king Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer minus the cute. Whatever disease is festering in your head, nobody wants to hear it. Go home. Call your mother. Post a status update on Facebook. Actually, don't do that. Just leave everyone alone. P.S. You were on the fence, but now you're definitely unfriended. I'll put that in my status update.

5. And thanks for paying my doctor visit co-pay in advance because I know I'm gonna get whatever you have along with the rest of our department.

You're the reason our healthcare system is broken.

Thanks a whole f**king lot.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eugene Powers
Chief Medical Correspondent
Free-Ass. Press

Geithner Enlists Kelly Services To Find Staff

Rumsfeld was temp-to-perm for Gerald Ford and was later hired as Secretary of Defense.

Part of the continuing WAR! On Money! series

Posted: Mail Delivery Subsystem: Your posting had permanent fatal errors.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Treasury Department is having difficulty filling its vacant positions in these early days of the Obama administration. In response, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner recently signed a contract with Kelly Services to fill executive-level vacancies with temp and temp-to-perm workers.

"I was overwhelmed trying to fix the world economy while reading the résumés of Ph.D. candidates with 40 page CVs," Geithner said. "What I really needed were clock-watching struggling actors and musicians who could type 75 words per minute and work at least three days per week. That's when I knew it was time to call Kelly Services."

Geithner is responsible for hiring assistant secretaries and under secretaries for nine different Treasury offices, including Economic Policy, International Affairs and Terrorism and Financial Intelligence.

"We're in the secretary business," said Rhonda O'Brien, associate hiring associate for Kelly. "The very next morning, we sent over the highest-quality medium-quality secretaries we could find. Some of them even scored a 53 percent on our Microsoft Word proficiency test."