AIG Response To Jake DeSantis

The Free-Ass. Press has received an advance copy of AIG's response to Jake DeSantis' letter to AIG CEO Edward M. Liddy that ran in Wednesday's New York Times. It is reprinted below in its entirety:

Dear Mr. DeSantis:

Thank you for your thoughtful letter to Mr. Liddy and your not-so-thoughtful BCC to the New York Times. Unfortunately, Mr. Liddy's office is currently handling an extraordinarily high call volume from government officials who now seem to be professionals in high finance. Therefore, Mr. Liddy has asked AIG's customer service department to respond to you appropriately. I was the next representative in the queue, so it fell in my lap. I hope you take the time to read this entire letter.

You and I have never met or spoken to each other, so I'd like to tell you about myself with an indignant, self-righteous sense of entitlement. I have been a customer service representative at AIG since 1998, and I get paid $12.32 an hour. This is one of three jobs I work to support my three kids and to try to stay in my 750-square-foot Brooklyn home. When I asked my supervisor how much of a bonus check I would be receiving for working really, really extra hard the last 12 months and offering great customer service to the American taxpayer, he laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed -- all the way to the bank, where he deposited your $742,006.40 (after taxes) bonus. Then he laughed some more and green snot came out his nose and maniacal tears of cash-lust streamed down his face before he morphed into pure evil and spat hornets at me.

So what am I to do? There's no easy answer. I know that because of my really, really super-hard work, I have benefited more than most during the economic boom (even though my hourly wage stayed flat when accounting for inflation) and have saved enough that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses through the weekend. After that, I will likely go on food stamps and move to a tent city. Maybe I'll see you there! After all, we're both just victims here, right?

Or maybe not, because your after-tax bonus is equal to the amount of money I earn in 30 years. Think about that for a second, you smug prick. Thanks for doing a super duper job at being the totally innocent, no-blood-on-your-hands Executive Vice President of the division that is in no way responsible for contributing to tanking the world economy. You had nothing to do with it. You were in the highly ethical, above-reproach world of equity and commodity business development. It's not your fault that a slightly-less-ethical, slightly-less-sickeningly-money-lustful division than yours did all that crazy derivative stuff. You had no idea. They should be ashamed of themselves for being so incompetent and sneaky. But not you, you made your $100 million profit the old-fashioned way: You rolled up your sleeves and did the tough work of treating other assholes like you to steak dinners.

However, Mr. Liddy wanted me to emphasize how awesome you are and that he's going to miss you bunches even though you, as an executive vice president, never took the time to meet the CEO. Good career move, Jack. I mean Jake.

Mr. DeSantis, I wish you success in your commitment not to return taxpayer money to the American government, but rather to give it to the M.I.T. Alumni Association, so that salt-of-the-Earth Americans like you can go learn to lay waste to the economy again during the next bubble-bust cycle.

Sincerely,

Rhonda O'Brien
AIG Customer Service

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Plane Crashes in Montana Graveyard: 14 Dead; 7 Dead Dead

One of the dead dead as sketched by the local police artist/high school cartoon drawer guy

Posted: In Obama's "Gallows Humor" file

BIG GUY IN THE SKY, Mont. -- In one of the most horrific plane accidents in Montana history, a small airplane went down in a cemetery, killing all 14 passengers on board and rekilling seven dead people on the ground. When asked whether the dead people on the ground died from the plane crash or from the various incidents that killed them previously, the county coroner, Dr. Jim Jimjimson, said, "My medical expertise tells me it was likely the plane crash."

Families of the killed dead victims were contacted to identify sod from the crash site. Funeral services for the already dead victims were held Jan. 14, 1987; June 11, 2004; Sept. 21, 1979; Jan. 3, 1993; July 14, 2001; August 26, 1997; and May 1, 2003.

Corrections For A Depressed Market

The man with one of the most unfortunate names in the Senate.

Posted: Hopefully in time to fix the markets.

HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE -- In our story, "Free-Ass. Corrections for 2007 ," we actually made corrections for stories written in 2008. You know how you write a check and instead of 2009, for no logical reason, you write 1986? Same thing. FAP regrets this brain fart that slipped past our entire editing department.

In our March 6 story, "Al Sharpton Calls Airplane Black Box 'Racist,'" FAP readers brought to our attention that airplane "black boxes" are actually painted orange. We apologize for not reporting that the FAA either ran out of black paint or they are just plain boxist.

For our Feb. 25 story, "Congress Releases First Porno: 'Stimulus Package,'" we incorrectly stated that Hawaii Sen. Daniel Akaka's nickname was "Sukamai." His nickname is actually "Itamai." FAP regrets the error.

In the Feb. 19 story, "RNC Appeals To One-Armed Hip-Hop Midgets," FAP posted a picture of hip-hop midget, "Pele2." After close examination, FAP determined that Pele2 has dos brazos, bitch. FAP regrets the error and will try to betta reckonize dat whack shit in the future -- fosheezy mah neezy.

On March 21, 2008, the Free-Ass. Press officially launched and has posted more than 250 stories which have been viewed more than 300,000 times and disliked probably 120,000 to 150,000 times. We regret the error. Happy Birthday FAP!