Federal Reserve Intelligence Briefing: 'Economy Determined To Attack Inside The U.S.'

U.S. war planes after a bombing raid on Wells Fargo.

WAR! On Money! Part 1
A Free-Ass. Investigative Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an earth-shattering discovery, FAP has uncovered an intelligence briefing given to the Bush administration in August 2006 warning of impending attacks by the economy on the United States. The first briefing was titled, "Economy Determined To Attack Inside The U.S.," and was delivered to President Bush and his cabinet while cruising on a pontoon boat at his Crawford, Texas ranch.

The report explicitly names many potential accomplices for the attacks, including every U.S. bank, the Securities and Exchange Commission and the names of 10 million Americans who might conspire to buy houses they can't afford and max out credit cards through the purchase of backyard trampolines, non-street-legal mini-motorcycles and inflatable lawn displays for every American holiday.

The Fed also cited increased chatter from loudmouths like CNBC's Jim Cramer as contributing factors to the overall climate of non-vigilance that created the environment possible for such a catastrophic attack on so many homelands.

The attack began in late 2006 when Gregg Arst, an $8.25-per-hour sign-twirler for Subway, purchased a $726,000 home in Riverside, Calif., and leased a fully-loaded Cadillac Escalade for 120 months. When FAP asked former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about the intelligence report, she responded, "Oh sugar honey ice tea! I missed another important memo that changed the landscape of the world as we all know it? Oops. My bad ... again."

At the end of Bush's term as president, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff named the economy as the No. 1 threat to the safety of the United States. No. 2 was reality TV shows, and No. 3 his mustache.

"I have eradicated one of those three threats," he said.

Limbaugh Apologizes To Himself for Disparaging Remarks

Limbaugh throws prescription drugs into the stands at a Braves game.

Posted: By the man in the mirror; I'm asking him to change his ways (better change!)

EIB SOUTHERN COMMAND -- Once again lashing out at the head of the Republican party, Rush Limbaugh caught himself making disparaging remarks about himself causing him to apologize profusely to himself.

"When I called El Rushbo an over-bloated, radical, drug-addicted windbag, I was taken out of context," Limbaugh said on his radio show last Thursday. "I did not mean to call me that, and I apologize to anyone across the fruited plain who might have been offended."

When asked for his reaction to his own apology, Limbaugh said, "Limbaugh's comments were out of step with the Republican party. I have asked Mr. Snerdly to ask Rush onto the show to make a formal announcement of his decision to cease broadcasting from the golden EIB microphone immediately."

However, Limbaugh stated very clearly in his apology that, although he is sorry, he has no intention of resigning. A meeting has been set between Limbaugh and a Limbaugh representative to iron out any philosophical differences between the Republican party leader and himself.

"America should be happy to have people like me on the air to speak out against other people like me," Limbaugh added.

Feds To Capital One: "What's In Your Wallet?"

Posted: In my wallet -- my empty, empty wallet

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In another sign of the continuing economic crisis, credit-card issuer Capital One announced last week that it was slashing its dividend to shareholders by 87 percent to just 5 cents per share. This dramatic reduction prompted Rep. Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, to haul Capital One CFO Gary Perlin before his committee and ask, "What's in your wallet?"

Noticeably absent from the question was a 30-second humorous setup to lead up to the question.

"I'm as serious as a heart attack," Frank said, frankly. "Perhaps you can tell me how you and that legion of credit card-carrying Vikings is going to bring your company out of the sh*tter."

In a prepared statement written by a hipster, irony-filled 17-year-old boy wonder ad agency copywriter, Perlin replied, "For the record, our downfall was due to other externalities including the collapse of the world economy -- and David Spade's career."

The copywriter, Ryan Finnegan, who holds a single share of Capital One stock, said he was not at all disappointed by the dividend reduction.

"Five cents kicks ass," he added not unironically. "All I need is for the stock price to climb $11.90 more, and I can break even selling it after paying my broker's commission. That is, of course, not counting the $70 drop in value my share has had since my grandparents bought it for me five years ago for my junior high graduation. F*ck."