Surprise Party Unforeseen By Boy

Ian Clark as an adult -- his face never recovered.

Posted: On a cone-shaped Dora The Explorer hat

Homewood, Ill. -- Twelve-year-old Ian Clark suffered major emotional trauma last Thursday when he returned home from Little League baseball practice to a dark house. Suddenly, the lights went on and two dozen family and friends screamed, "Surprise!" The perpetrators also blew paper horns and shook Altoids boxes to exacerbate Clark's surprised condition.

"We're just glad we caught these thugs before they surprised anyone else," said Homewood police chief Sharat Raju. "What kind of sick parent would surprise a child like that? And on their birthday! These people need to be behind bars." "

Police reports allege that Clark's own parents organized the attack and claim it was for Ian's "birthday." The police have taken them into custody for questioning, and it is not yet clear whether Clark's parents will be allowed to retain custody of Ian. They have a standing police record of similar assaults on other unsuspecting victims like Ian's elderly grandmother and his older sister, Chloe, who now lives in a home for battered and surprised children.

"Maybe we'll surprise them on their birthday and see how they like it," Raju added.

North Korea Test-Fires New Leader

Kim Jong-Il, the first person to popularize the uptown fade.

Posted: Hopefully without any Taepodongs ... we mean, typos. Damn! There's one already!

PYONGYANG, YO -- In a provocative move just ahead of annual joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises on the Korean peninsula, North Korea's Central News Agency has declared that it plans to test-fire a new leader very shortly.

Kim Jong-Il, the nation's current leader, is widely believed to have suffered a stroke this past August. Because he is comically short with a comically ridiculous haircut, there have been grumblings that the DPRK needs a new image.

DPRK stands for Democratic People's Republic of Korea, which is also unintentionally ridiculous.

The new leader, Kim Jong-Il's half-brother, Half Jong-Il (which translates from Korean to "Roger Jong-Il"), will be attached to the unfortunately named Nodong ballistic missile and shot over South Korean airspace. Kim's "better Half" will then parachute to safety while hurling verbal insults at his taller southern neighbors below.

North Korean military leaders warned today that any attempts to intercept its leader with a rocket containing a U.S. or South Korean leader will be considered an act of war which will be met with a harsh response.

One North Korean spokesperson indicated that that countermeasure could include attaching a rocket engine to a school bus and shooting an entire batallion of North Korean soldiers into South Korean airspace air to fight an all-out air war.

"We cannot stand idly by while South Korea calls us 'an entire nation of shorty pants,'" he said. "Even if it's technically accurate."

Flaming "HOT Baked Potato" Sign Deemed Too Explicit For School Cafeteria

It's a potato. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Posted: Next to the ice cream novelties and oatmeal creme pies

HALF-BAKED, Ala. -- The Calhoun County School Board voted 2-1 last night to remove hot baked potatoes from the high school lunch menu, citing the root vegetables as being too sexually explicit.

"Writing H-O-T in flaming, all-capital letters is like serving Hell on a plate," said Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins, the school board's president. "We don't want to stir up those kids' lusty, wild feelings every time we serve Salisbury steak or giant, glistening, veiny, throbbing kielbasa sausages."

Because the presidential election campaign ended three months ago, parents from Calhoun County had to find something new on which to focus their fake outrage. The flaming sign fit the bill perfectly.

"Why can't it just say 'baked potato?' If it's baked, it must be hot," said parent Calhouna Calhounihan. "Then again, the word 'baked' has its own set of problems. We should just go with something completely free from controversy like Jesus Taters."