Study: Landfills Mostly Full of Crap from Bath & Body Works

The average amount of trash each American throws out every week.

Posted: In the form of a 20-percent-off coupon in your mailbox for the fifth f***ing time this week. Oh wait, that's Bed Bath & Beyond

SHITHOLE, N.J. -- A surprising study released today by the Center for Dumpster Diving and Trash Excavation (CDDTE) indicates that 70 percent of landfills in the United States are filled with useless crap from Bath & Body Works.

Most people, the study reveals, toss out the fragrant flavorful indulgences they receive as thoughtless gifts from office mates, distant relatives and well-meaning acquaintances who have no f***ing clue what you like and not enough sense to think that no one wants that f***ing sh*t -- sh*t like Sugared Organic Honey Almond f***ing Body Scrub, Black Currant Vanilla shea butter hand lotion and Optimism Bright Blossom aromatherapy candles.

"It smells like a godd*mn tropical fruit stand in here," said Ron Castelucci, head of sanitation for Newark, N.J. "Our workers have to wear special gloves. If any one of those things break open, they'll have soft, supple hands for weeks."

Congress Releases First Porno: "Stimulus Package"

Posted: In Reseda, Calif.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a desperate attempt to keep the federal government solvent, congressional leaders today announced the release of their first pornographic movie to raise money for government projects.

"It's called 'Stimulus Package: D. P.,'" said Speaker of the House and Lady of the Night Nancy Pelosi. "We know the American pubic wants to see some hot bipartisan action, and that's what we're going to give them -- from several different angles."

Pelosi made the announcement in the White House Rose Garden with her recently signed co-stars, including Sen. Bob "The Lady" Corker, R-Tenn.; Rep. Dina "Show Us Your" Titus, D-Nev.; Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky. (Jelly); Sen. "Dirty and" Harry Reid, D-Nev.; Sen. and Senate Majority Whip Richard "Big Dick" Durbin , D-Ill.; Sen. Sam "It's As Gross As It Sounds" Brownback, D-Kan.; Sen. Thad "Cock Ring" Cochran, R-Miss.; Rep. David Loebsack, D-Iowa; Rep. Marcia "Yes, That's My Real Last Name" Fudge, D-Ohio; and Sen. Daniel "Sukamai" Akaka, D-Hawaii.

Other porn movies planned for future release are:

"Pay To Play" starring Roland Burris
"Bailout Virgins" starring Timothy Geithner and Ben Bernanke

Also, Reps. John Dingell and Marion Berry have also collaborated on their own piece of niche porn cinema, "The 2009 Dingell-Berry Act."

Congress Proposes Names For Next Great Depression

Posted: Totally transparently for 48 full hours on the Internet before it passed ... or not

WASHINGTON, D.C -- As the economy continues its downward spiral toward another Great Depression, the House Appropriations Committee has officially taken on the task of naming the pending monstrosity.

"We want something sort of shabby chic," said Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), chairman of the committee. "Something that conveys that the complete meltdown of world markets due to lawless greed is pretty cool -- tough, but cool."

The House committee has narrowed its choices to a top-10 list, which it plans to post on the Internet for 48 hours for public feedback. Here is the list in no particular order:

-- The War On Money
-- The Totally Sick Bitch-Ass Depression
-- The World Going-Out-Of-Business Sale
-- The George Bush Legacy Project
-- Borderline Economic Disorder
-- The Curious Case Of Benjamin Bernanke
-- Oops! I did it again!
-- The Worldwide Home Mortgage Chinese Fire Drill
-- Extreme Makeover: Global Markets Meltdown Edition
-- Toyotathon

"I'm leaning toward, 'The George Bush Legacy Project,'" Frank added.