Oprah Gains Weight; Eats Her Own Ratings, Gayle

The last thing Gayle King saw before her untimely death.

Posted: Right after eight seconds of content and 43 minutes of commercials

STEDMAN RANCH, N.M. -- Oprah Winfrey, the daytime queen of talk and weight loss minus the weight loss, has gained the weight back again. FAP has discovered that Oprah has been on a bender, eating everything in sight including her own ratings and possibly her best friend, Gayle King.

When asked about her sudden weight gain, Oprah said, "That microphone looks delicious. You gonna eat that steno pad?"

Late last week, FAP received a tip from a member of Winfrey's audience about an in-studio incident. Instead of telling everyone in the audience about the surprise 1-pound bag of gourmet chocolates hidden beneath their seats, Winfrey instead shut the studio down, kicked everyone out, donned her eating smock and tore through the studio, upending chair after chair as a cascade of hot, melty chocolate made most of its way into her mouth as the score from "Godzilla" blared in the background.

Though she has vowed to get her eating under control once again, no word on whether she will do the same with her commitment issues to long-time arm candy Stedman Graham.

"I am afraid. She once tried to eat my mustache," Graham added.

RNC Appeals To One-Armed Hip-Hop Midgets

A Free-Ass. Extra!!!
Posted: On a wall-sized clock hanging on a gold anchor chain around Michael Steele's neck

WASHINGTON D. SHEEZY -- Newly elected Republican National Committee Chair Michael Steele is launching a new public relations campaign for the GOP that will translate to "urban-suburban hip-hop settings ... including one-armed midgets."

The GOP will now be called the Geezy O. Peezy, and the RNCheezy is deploying literally tens and tens of black Republicans, if they can find any, to urban areas to recruit the one-half of 1 percent of black Americans who did not vote for Obama. The GOP plans to host workshops for local gangs on trickle-down economics and the plight of small businesses like prostitution and family-owned drug rings. They also plan to tutor homeless people on multiresidence capital gains tax avoidance and counsel families afflicted by gun violence about why America needs less-strict gun laws.

When asked why the RNC plans to target urban areas, Steele replied, "Black midgets could have swayed the election for McCain -- a long time hip-hop midget supporter. You didn't see Obama mentioning black midgets even once during his campaign, because he considers them invisible. They're not invisible. They're just incredibly short and hard to see at night. Wait ... that's off the record."

McCain also voiced his support for the plan saying, "I've always liked those negroes. Especially 'that one' who became president."

"We want to give America some hip-hope, bitch," Steele added.

TV Goes Digital; Playboy Channel Still Fuzzy

Posted: In an all-new Free-Ass. Digital Signal. Each letter is so clear now!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a massive shift of television signals, TV stations all over the country have dropped their analog signals and are now broadcasting in digital. However, 14-year-old boys all over America are outraged that the Playboy channel still comes in fuzzy.

"They promised clear signals. You can't tell if those are boobs or ass," said 14-year-old Norm Thoemind of Van Nuys, California. "The screen is kind of split, and sometimes you can see something that looks like ass, but you realize it's a dog on a velour heart-shaped bed and wonder, 'Why, God? Why?' For that split second of signal clarity, there was a dog on the screen."

Thoemind still has hope that the problem will be erectified because Congress delayed the mandatory switchover until June 12.

"It was a basset hound, too. Sick," he added.

Optimists File For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Posted: On a sunny day

NEW YORK CITY -- In another sign of the continuing economic depression, Optimist International, commonly known as the Optimists, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

"There is no hope left," said Donald Sievers, the Optimists' president. "The glass is not half full. The glass was shattered, and then Wall Street took a sh*t all over it, accidentally stepped in the sh*t-smeared glass and got an awful, awful, life-threatening infection."

Optimist clubs have been thinking positively and helping their communities for nearly a century. They even cheered people up through the Great Depression. However, Sievers said today is different.

"I tried to look on the bright side, but guess what? There isn't one," he said. "I threw away my rose-colored glasses. I like to think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but sometimes you just look at your neighbor's lawn, and you gotta say, 'His lawn looks just as sh*tty as mine.'"

Surprisingly, today's announcement sparked a hostile takeover bidding war between the Pragmatists and the Pessimists for all of the Optimists' assets. The Pessimists, however, aren't very hopeful that they will win.