State-of-the-Art Presidential Limo Boasts Leather Package; Top Speed of 3

Another one of GM's concept cars called the "Shriner."

Posted: On the backs of our grandchildrens' grandchildren

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In its first major publicity push since receiving its $13.4 billion bailout from the federal government, General Motors emerged with a new car design meant to quiet critics who say the carmaker just doesn't get it.

"We visited Congress, and we listened to your concerns," said GM CEO Rick Wagoner. "Now, I can proudly say, we heard you."

GM unveiled its largest, heaviest, most-polluting, least fuel-efficient vehicle ever to hit American roadways. Nicknamed "The Beast," GM's new V-12, 690-horsepower, 6-ton stretch limousine gets approximately 2 miles per gallon and boasts a top speed of 3, as it carries 5-inch-thick armor plating, bulletproof windows and heavy run-flat tires. It seats 14 comfortably and has 54 cubic feet of cargo space perfect for an incoming president or that busy mom on-the-go. It also comes with ExtendIdle (TM), a feature that allows the car to sit parked for extended periods of time with the engine idling.

"With a 15-gallon gas tank, that limo can go probably four small-town parades before refueling. But it's not just for parades or presidents, it's for America -- the new fuel-efficient, green, God-blessed America," said Wagoner.

"By the by, we're gonna need a smidgie more of that bailout money," he added.

Condi Rice Publishes Memoir: "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"

Condi Rice covers up anything that might distract someone from seeing that she is black.

Posted: On the White House grand piano

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Now that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has had a few short weeks to reflect on the enormity of her experience over the past eight years, today Rice announced in a press conference the publication of her new tell-all memoir, "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"

"The title is a tribute to the great triumph of our first black president, Barack Obama," Rice said. "And also to address the fact that no one noticed the whole time I was secretary of state that I was black."

Rice, a newly self-termed yet unconfirmed "black person," claims there were times during intense peace negotiations in the Middle East that she wanted to tell people.

"In a post-racial world, it's not obvious anymore," she said. "I felt like I couldn't say anything as it might compromise American security or that Dick Cheney would shoot me in the face. Now that my tenure is complete, I feel more free to tell America for certain: I am a black person."

Not to be outdone, Gen. Colin Powell also released his memoir this week entitled, "The Powell Doctrine: I Was Black Before All You Suckas."

Tiger Woods' Wife Gives Birth to Sand Wedge

Woods has a vision of his next child.

Free-Ass. Extra!!!
Posted: On the ball washer at the 14th tee

AUGUSTA, Ga. -- In a surprise to the world golf community, Tiger Woods announced yesterday that his wife, Elin, has given birth to Woods's first sand wedge. They named it/him Charlie Axel.

"I am so excited to have a sand wedge of my own," Woods said in a press conference. "I always have trouble in the sand. Now I can really dominate this bullsh*t 'sport.'"

Woods already has a daughter named Sam Alexis who was born in June 2007, much to his chagrin because he needed a new putter.

The six-time winner of the Buick Invitationals where he won six piece-of-sh*t Buicks, Woods said that nothing can compare to the excitement of his new sand wedge, except perhaps the night he made it possible by giving Elin his 9-wood.

The couple's immediate plans are to relax at home with Charlie and Sam while trying to come up with more clever permutations of the letters X, E, A and L.

Afghanistan Cancels "Take Your Child To Work Day"

A father showing his son how to make Al Qaeda calls in a terrorist blind.

Posted: On the side of the box of cold coffee left in the break room

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Department of Defense made a surprising announcement today by issuing a bulletin stating that "Take Your Child To Work Day" has been canceled in Afghanistan due to weather.

"The kids used to love camping in the mountains of Tora Bora and learning to hunt terrorist targets," said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "This year it's supposed to be snowy, and we just don't want those adorable kids catching a cold while they help their moms and dads fight the War on Terror."

However, Gates noted that the Iraqi "Take Your Child to Work Day," where children will join their parents in fun activities like building a democracy out of popsicle sticks, crushing rebellions of extremist Play-Doh sects and armoring Shrinky-Dink Humvees with macaroni noodles, is still on.

Afghanistan plans to offer Bagel Fridays instead.

"I just love a good schmear," Gates added.