Obama Cancels Black History Month

Norm Abram's inauguration gift for Obama.

Posted: On a elementary school bulletin board with yellow wavy trim and balloons!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, President Barack Obama has canceled Black History Month for lack of funds.

"Look, I said during the campaign that we are going to have to make some tough choices, so I have decided to spring for some life-sized cardboard photo cut-outs," Obama said during his first black history-making press conference. "Rahm Emanuel is going to tell you what each of these people did so that your kids can ace their social studies pop quizzes. But then, we are going back to work on getting this economy out of the red and back in the African-American."

When asked why the first black president would cancel Black History Month, Obama responded, "Dr. King had a dream that our children would sit at the table of brotherhood together. No one has built that table yet but Norm Abram says it is shovel-ready. So I'm hoping Congress will fund it soon."

"Plus, I am black and will be president for the whole month," he added. "That should give us a mulligan for at least a year."

VP Biden's Schedule Packed With Meaningless Busy Work

Joe Biden asks Obama if he wants anything from the vending machines.

Posted: On the Joe Biden dart board hanging in Hillary Clinton's office

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Newly inaugurated Vice President Joe Biden is getting to work doing the difficult business of the vice president. In fact, his schedule is so packed with meaningless busywork that he is having trouble keeping up and has hired a chief of staff.

The chief of staff will organize and prioritize the vice president's bland and unimportant commitments, making their job only slightly more meaningless than his.

"When the phone rings, I make sure someone answers it," Biden said in an exclusive FAP interview. "When a memo arrives, I make sure someone reads it and passes it on to someone else -- usually Danny, my trusty chief of staff and German shepherd.

"I take comfort knowing the country is safer when Barack calls a meeting and I say, 'Hey there' as people file into the Oval Office."

Biden is known for his can-do spirit when it comes to being an obscure cog in the Washington political machine.

"Someone has to make sure Barack's heart is beating," Biden said. "Of course, that's the doctor's job, but I will definitely show concern and send the president a note to let him know I'm thinking of him when he returns from his appointment."

Michael Phelps Smokes Super Bowl

Posted: During the munchies.

TAMPA BAY -- In another display of Olympic-sized stupidity, Michael Phelps was discovered smoking pot -- again. Only this time, he smoked the Super Bowl.

Phelps was found sucking moist, fragrant, pot-filled smoke through a tube connected to an outside wall of the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay Sunday night.

When asked for comment, Phelps said, "I haven't been this high since I smoked the warm down pool in Beijing. Woa."

Special Olympics Accepts Economics Ph.D.s as Athletes

Bernanke upset his team can't score a goal.

Posted: After 96 consecutive months of ridiculousness

SUPPLYANDEMAND, U.S.A. -- In a surprising turn of events, the International Special Olympics Committee has announced that it will begin accepting athletes from a new group of people who have an intellectual disability: anyone with a Ph.D. in economics.

Lee Todd, Special Olympics' chief of world games and competitions, made the announcement yesterday at a press conference. He was flanked by a host of White House economics advisors wearing bright orange jerseys.

"Every one of these special athletes has dedicated their lives to researching the American economy -- and every one of them said they never saw the market crash coming. My friends, that's not an error in judgement. That's a life-altering disability and they deserve a medal."

The economists have formed a Special Olympics soccer team and have unanimously elected Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke as their team captain.

"We hope that these special champions will find kicking a ball into a net a much more satisfying endeavor than trying to accurately predict the painfully obvious swings in the economy," said Todd.

However, the team is already in trouble with an 0-14 record because every time they get the ball, rather than kicking it, they lower interest rates and watch the scoreboard to see if their points go up.

"I don't see the NASDAQ anywhere on this board," Bernanke added.