Free-Ass. Corrections For 2007

Posted: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again ...

Obama Inauguration Prayer Leaked
We quoted Rick Warren as saying that gays "might as well be serial axe-murderers in orphanages for disabled children." Warren's publicity team has notified FAP that this quote was taken out of context. Warren meant to say that gays "are serial axe-murderers in orphanages for disabled children." We sincerely regret this mistake and, according to Warren, we will likely spend an additional 1,000 years in the seventh layer of hell with the well-dressed, fashion-conscious serial axe-murderers of orphaned disabled children.

History Judges Bush Administration
In the story, political science Prof. Jonas History referred to then-President George Bush as a "f**ktard." This was not an error. However, we apologize for any inconvenience you may have suffered having a f**ktard as president for eight years.

Answer to the Jan. 8 puzzle! "One of these things is not like the others ..."
Several readers wrote in and said that we are f**ktards and that the answer was obvious: Barack Obama. Wrong. The answer is Jimmy Carter. He is standing a good distance away from the other four presidents, which indicates that he has horrible, horrible old-man gas. Jimmy Carter is smelly. The other four presidents are not. Congratulations if you got this right! If not, who's the f**ktard now? That's correct. It's still George W. Bush.

Free-Ass. Press Needs Your Vote!

The Free-Ass. Press has been nominated as a finalist for a Semmy award!

Our story, "Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet," was selected as one of the top comedy stories for 2008 (related to search engine marketing) out of everything published on the entire internet in 2008 (related to search engine marketing) including witty Facebook status updates (related to search engine marketing).

The winner will be chosen by America and we need your vote.

Click here to go to the finalists page and vote for the digg story, which, ironically, was the No. 1 story on digg.com on July 7, 2008.

This award is so prestigious and secretive, that we were not even notified of this unprecedented and most esteemed honor. We had to just intuit that we were potentially awesome (related to search engine marketing). There is also the possibility that the angel that was supposed to shine light upon us and herald the grand news went to the wrong address.

The keys to the search engine kingdom are at stake here, and we may even win a prize llama if we can get your vote. Help us win this very odd and secretive honor for our comedy (given by an organization that has zero to do with comedy).

We are semmy-honored to be nominated for a Semmy.

Sincerely,
The Free-Ass. Press Editorial Bored

Home Depot To Lay Off 7,000 Workers As Soon As They Can Find Them

The last Home Depot employee sighting was here in 1996.

Posted: Next to the electrical conduit, aisle 347

ATLANTA -- In yet another example of the devastating global economic meltdown, Home Depot, Inc., the nation's second-largest retailer behind Wal-Mart, announced Monday that it will lay off 7,000 employees in order to keep the company solvent. Unfortunately, finding a Home Depot employee is the second-most difficult task to finding Osama Bin Laden.

"We are searching our stores as best we can looking for anyone with an orange apron," said Home Depot CEO Frank Blake, who was holding a large stack of pink slips. "I, personally, have walked the aisles -- all of them, in some stores -- for hours on end. I didn't find anyone, but I did hear a call for assistance once in the plumbing department."

Home Depot has more than 3,000 stores worldwide. This new round of layoffs means that at least two employees from every store will be let go. When asked if there actually are two employees in each store to fire, Blake responded, "We're looking into that. I'm trying to locate our company spokesperson right now."

George Bush: Where Is He Now?

Bush preparing to hold someone's feet to the fire.

Posted: On George Bush's watch

HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH, Texas -- Former President George W. Bush has been out of the national spotlight for a week now and has long since been forgotten in the minds of the American public. FAP checked in on W to see what he has been doing in his retirement.

Staying The Course.
At dinner, the Bushes usually have salad and then their main dish. However, George has taken to forcing the family to stay the course and only eat salad "until the salad is won."

Waterboarding On His Private Lake.
Bush's favorite sport. While being towed behind a motorboat, Bush loves to relax and catch some waves on his lake with his feet strapped to a terrorist detainee.

Holding a pre-emptive Battle of the Bands at the local honky-tonk.
The aptly named "George Bush Cronyism Experience" recently released its first CD, "Above the Law." To promote the release, they took over an unsuspecting local honky-tonk club and had a pre-emptive Battle of the Bands. Although initially impressive in their cowboy outfits declaring "Mission Accomplished" when they walked through the door, Bush's country-western band had too few members, and the four musicians who showed up did not have the guitars and fiddles they required.

When asked how he is enjoying his retirement, Bush said, "Where's that detainee? It's time for my massage."