Obama Plans to Replace Iraq Combat Troops with Life Coaches

Obama's New Secretary of Self-Esteem

Posted: Your time is now. Carpe diem.

BAGHDAD -- Fulfilling his promise to withdraw all U.S. combat troops from Iraq within 16 months, President Barack Obama today announced his strategy for keeping Iraq stable after the pullout: life coaches.

"Look, what the Iraqi people need is someone who can help them identify their strengths," Obama said in a White House Rose-Colored Glasses Garden ceremony where he was flanked by 25 overly enthusiastic, sensitive-yet-challenging, f**king annoying independent contractors who are all go-getter morning people.

"This group behind me has more than 7,000 personal and psychological assessment certifications from The Learning Annex," Obama said. "It is time to invest in Iraqi infrastructure -- the personal infrastructure known as self-esteem."

Obama plans to deploy 30,000 life coaches across Iraq. To support the effort, he also announced that his administration will lobby Congress to form the Department of Holistic Wellness, Chakras and Defense Against Negative Energies and People (DHWCDANEP).

"We want to help the Iraqis turn mustard gas into mustard," said Jocelyn Lane, a certified life coach, personal wellness counselor and the newly appointed Secretary of Yoga. "They can do it! Say it with me. They can do it! Believe it. I don't think you believe it! Say it again. OK, you're right. We're f**ked over there."

Controversy! Obama Lip-Syncs Inaugural Address; Less Attractive Black Man Actually Obama

Posted: In the Chinese Olympic playbook

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In only the third major scandal of his incoming administration, President Barack Obama lost his place in his speech yesterday, revealing that he was in fact lip-syncing his inaugural address and is a huge fraud just like the one guy who didn't vote for him already knew.

"What the f*ck, Rahm?" the real Obama yelled at Rahm Emanuel, his chief of staff, when he thought no one was looking. "Where the f*ck is the God-d*mned TelePrompTer?"

Unexpectedly, Joe Biden's new German shepherd puppy escaped and pulled down a red, white and blue curtain behind the honored guests to reveal a much shorter and less attractive African-American man reading a speech into a microphone. The man looked a lot more like James Brown's mug shot than the "GQ Obama" Americans have come to know.

The GQ Obama was visibly upset as the throngs of millions swayed and cried at his tantalizing taped eloquence blasting through the speakers. Tech crews scrambled to fix the issue which lasted for nearly 90 seconds. The curtain was put back in place.

The Wizard of Obama tried to cover for his mistakes by saying "peas and carrots" repeatedly in an attempt to sync with the audio until someone could fix the prompter. Emanuel promised to conduct a full internal investigation, the results of which will be released sometime very late on a Friday night in four years when no one is paying attention. FAP has not yet been able to determine who the real Obama actually is. However, when asked, the shorter, uglier Obama said, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. Popcorn!"

Rap star Kanye West, who was also in attendance, said about the incident, "See! It ain't just me."

Free-Ass. Podcast Now Available!

Dear Readers,

UPDATE: Our podcast is currently on paternity leave. We hope to resume podcasting in the near future.

In response to all our readers who hate reading, we now offer the Free-Ass. Press podcast! We are already posting classic stories from 2008 and in February, current stories will be podcast as well.

Subscribe here!
Just click on your favorite podcast subscription service on the right sidebar.

or

Click here for iTunes

Listening is the new reading. Check it out...

Free-Ass. Press Editorial Bored

History Judges Bush Administration

Bush trying to sneak away from the Free-Ass. Press without saying goodbye.

Posted: Too late ... much too late

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As the Bush Administration winds down its final days, Washington insiders say that History will judge the outgoing president's success. FAP tracked down Jonas History, Ph.D., head of the political science department at Carnegie Mellon University (Mellon-Carnegie campus). In his role as department head, Dr. History is responsible for examining current affairs and recounting them in classroom texts known as "History Books."

"In examining the lengthy history of presidents, their successes both moral and political weighed against their shortcomings both personal and contextual, I would classify George W. Bush as what we academics might call a 'f**ktard.'"

"F**ktard is an academic term that describes a president who, at times, may have fallen short of his promises; at times, may have told less than the truth about seemingly important issues of international consequence; and/or at times, may possibly have acted not entirely in accordance with local, state, national and international laws, accords, agreements, treaties and constitutions that may sometimes be the foundation of American democracy," History said.

During his last interview before leaving office, FAP asked Bush about this classification as he was exiting the Oval Office with a cardboard box full of personal effects including a root beer bong, Cliffs Notes versions of both the Holy Bible and the U.S. Constitution and an official-looking "get out of jail free" card that Vice President Dick Cheney had made for Bush at a local Kinko's.

"I did a heckuva job," he said. "A heckuva job."