Bush: Pauses Between Rocket Strikes Is Evidence of Middle East Peace

A peace-torn area in the Middle East

Posted: After strike three which one high level administration official called "a grand slam home run."

LEGACYFAIL, Texas -- In yet another effort to rewrite history and bolster his legacy project, today President Bush announced that, as promised, he has brought peace to the Middle East.

"Even though Hamas and Hezbollah shot rockets at Israel and Israel invaded Gaza, every once in a while, there's no one shooting," said Bush. "By definition, I call that peace, and I'm proud to have achieved it during my administration."

FAP tried to get a high-level Hamas official to comment on Bush's historic announcement, but Israel bombed the sh*t out of his house before the scheduled interview. Luckily, it was going to be a phone interview, except that Israel also bombed the sh*t out of the cell towers too. FAP has a policy not to enter peace-torn areas, so no one could be reached for comment.

Other Bush legacy projects in the works include finally clearing all of the brush at his Crawford ranch, an autobiography (penned by ghost writer Dick Cheney) titled, "Faulty Intelligence: 8 Years of Making Up History One Way or the Other (Usually the Other)" and a $5 donation to help poor, sick orphans afford health care.

"Take that, James Buchanan," Bush added.

New NIE Reveals Bush Has Faulty Intelligence

George Bush as he normally looks when his advisors talk all that gobbelty gook.

Posted: A post is a good analogy. A box of rocks would also work.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stinging rebuke of both his administration and him as a person, a new report released by the nation's 16 spy agencies declared that President Bush has faulty intelligence.

"Usually, it's hard to get a clear picture, as intelligence is an inexact science," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the National Intelligence Council, which is responsible for drafting the NIE. "But in the current president's case, the evidence is so completely overwhelming that we're well within any margin of error."

"I love margarine," Bush said. "Parkaaaaaay ... butter. Man, I love that talkin' tub. I wish it was real."

Fingar was hesitant, though, to go into detail about the sources and methods for gathering the information used to finger-paint a picture of the president's intelligence.

"Let's just say it involved several different exercises which may or may not have included playing with Legos, properly inserting the straw into a Capri-Sun and/or gauging the president's reaction to several 'Baby Einstein' videos," Fingar said. "In fact, he liked those videos so much that he actually mentioned them in his 2007 State of the Union speech."

"Off the record ... Capri-Sun? Epic fail," he added.

Obama Inauguration Prayer Leaked

Rick Warren whispering to Obama, "I'm gay."

Posted: In the bathroom at the Council of Nicea

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A top-tier member of the incoming Obama administration has leaked megachurch Pastor Rick Warren's invocation to the Free-Ass. Press. We have printed it here, unedited and in its entirety.

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for inspiring President Obama to pick me to deliver this prayer in a spirit of togetherness. Though we have had our differences, being rather extreme at times in pointing out the self-evident wrongness of Obama on every issue, please bless Barack and his administration for the next four years except when he has to make decisions about Supreme Court judges, abortion rights, gay marriage, gun laws, Mexican people and the separation of You and state, in which case smite down their anti-You, totally destructive, baby-killing, tax-and-spend, small business-bankrupting, unholy Arab Muslim communist-fascist ideologies. We thank you for blessing Barack with the awesome ability to be both extremely far-left-wing and extremely far-right-wing at the same time -- a trait we tried to point out before the election. Unfortunately, we were foiled by the Obama political machine, the Internets and, most disturbingly, facts.

Praise ye, O Lord our God -- and by our God, I mean the God of the white Christian evangelicals whose ancestors founded this great nation by fleeing religious persecution so that they could start megachurches and convert everyone who isn't part of this super-awesome religion and damn to hell, in a spirit of Christ-like love and unity, anyone who doesn't convert. Some examples of those hell-bound, non-converters are the Mexicans who shouldn't be here anyway, the gays who might as well be serial axe-murderers in orphanages for disabled children, and the godless Catholics. Sorry, Joe Biden, but you're a dirty, hair-plugged heathen. I'm not judging you. I just hate those sinful hair plugs, not you, the Sinner from Scranton.

It is in this spirit of unity that we pray that our economy will turn around this year for the CEOs and top wage-earners who know what's best for us and can give the pre-recession, paycheck-to-paycheck, uninsured, stress-filled days of yore back to the middle-class. And if the economy doesn't turn around, Lord, we pray that you forgive us for converting your House from a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization to a bank holding company so that we can get a few billion dollars of that sweet, sweet bailout money.

In Jesus's name ... Jesus. Amen -- and not women."

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