Obama Creates Facebook Group: One Million Strong Against Economic Meltdowns

Posted: 38 minutes ago

FACEBOOKISTAN -- In a major step toward ending the economic crisis, President-Elect Barack Obama has once again turned to the Internet for help. Specifically, Obama has formed a Facebook group called "One Million Strong Against Economic Meltdowns."

"Look, there is nothing more helpful for ending our economic woes than joining a 'one million strong' Facebook group," Obama said in a press conference earlier today.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said he thought it was a brilliant move on Obama's part.

"We just kept lowering interest rates and handing out billions of dollars thinking that would shock the economy and stimulate growth," he said. "I never thought about something as powerful or as meaningful as a Facebook group. That's change I can believe in."

Obama will post week-by-week updates tallying the number of people who have signed up. The president-elect has said that the economy will recover fully when the group reaches one million people.

If successful, Obama plans to launch other Facebook groups including One Million Strong Against Slash Not Being in Guns N' Roses and One Million Strong For Bailouts One Trillion Strong.

Free-Ass. Sing-A-Long!

One of these things is not like the others...

UN Security Council Passes New Year's Resolutions

At the UN New Year's Party, China responds to the question, "Who's drunk already?"

Posted: While waiting for my obnoxiously large beeper to light up and buzz when my table is ready.

NEW YORK CITY -- In a flurry of New Year's activity, the United Nations Security Council has passed its list of New Year's Resolutions. FAP obtained an advanced copy of the resolutions which were written on a cocktail napkin at the UN New Year's party held this year at the Olive Garden in Times Square in New York City.

Resolution 1448
Try to be nicer to Iran. They aren't bad people. They just make bad choices.

Resolution 1449
Join the gym. Lose weight.

Resolution 1450
Don't be afraid to put Israel in a time-out but cool it on the anti-Semitism.

Resolution 1451
Find a job that is a better fit with better pay.

Resolution 1452
Design a killer app for world peace.

Resolution 1453
Get Hillary Clinton's autograph.

Resolution 1454
Eat Snackwell's cookies instead of Oreos.

Resolution 1455 Yoga, yoga, yoga.

Resolution 1456
Join Match.com. Go on a date before the Chinese trade embargoes.

Resolution 1456
Actually do something, stop being impotent and try to enforce a resolution at least once.

Boy Pissed; All He Got For Christmas Were His Two Front Teeth

Posted: Under the pillow under the Christmas tree

OLDTIMEY, Mass. -- In an unbelievable display of parental bah-humbug, little Timmy Tinkerton, 8, received only one thing for Christmas this year: his two front teeth. 

"There was nothing under the tree and nothing in my stocking," Timmy said. "My mouth just hurt like a son of a b*tch."

Despite Timmy's request for a Nintendo Wii, an iPod Touch, an inflatable bouncy house and world peace, little Timmy's parents, Dana and Troy Tinkerton, decided to let nature take over as Santa's little helper this year.

"That old-timey song about the lispy kid that wants his two front teeth is just so darn cute," Troy said. "It reminded us of Timmy, and with the economy and all, we thought it would be a nice inexpensive gift."

"Is that what he said?" Timmy asked upon this sh*t-stirring reporter reading the quote back to him. "Maybe all my parents want for Tax Day is an anonymous call to the IRS to have them take a closer look at their all-cash eBay business."