Posted: Not in my kid's classroom, by gum it! Only a Yale-failing, "My Pet Goat"-reading president can speak to my kids about the importance of getting an education.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Free-Ass. Press, working its White House sources like a $2 whore, has managed to obtain an advance copy of President Obama's address on health care to a joint session of Congress tonight.
After a brutal 40-day congressional recess featuring angry people screaming ridiculous things through bad microphones at town hall meetings, congressmen comparing the Obama-is-Hitler crowd to a dining room table and a man carrying a comically large assault rifle outside an event the president was attending, Obama vowed to retake the debate and go back on the offensive.
His first salvo: "Health Care for Clunkers," a new compromise bill that takes the best elements of the wildly successful albeit horribly mismanaged "Cash for Clunkers" program and applies it to the health care reform effort.
According to the text of tonight's speech, Obama has inserted pauses to accommodate an estimated 87 standing ovations following his delivery of lines that pander to the liberal left and three standing ovations prompted by lines that pander specifically to Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), the one Republican who might actually vote for health care reform.
Obama will also invoke the name of recently deceased Sen. Ted Kennedy six times in order to get reluctant Republicans to stand at least once so they don't seem like heartless, elitist, do-nothing pricks standing in the way of getting anything done.
Other select quotes fom the prepared text include:
"Look, we're not going to unplug Grandma. We're just going to trade her in."
"You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper."
"Every heart monitor, from the poorest inner-city hospital to the Mayo Clinic, should have a rich, polished mahogany finish and a free three-month trial of the "Best of Sirius | XM" package.
"We dedicate this reform effort to Ted Kennedy, who for 41 years drunkenly slept through joint sessions of Congress just like this one. Right, Sen. Grassley? Hey, CHUCK! Wake up! You been drinking that subsidized corn ethanol again? No wonder you sound like such an idiot when you talk."
"It's true. I am the anti-Christ, but that shouldn't prevent us from passing meaningful health care reform this year, before the end of days, which will begin sometime during Q2 of fiscal 2010. Then these massive deficits I'm creating and the 47 million still-uninsured Americans will be the least of our worries."
"They say charity isn't in the Constitution. Well, you know what? Neither are cars, but we got that done!"
