Free-Ass. Police Blotter

Dear Gentle Readers,


The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking a Free-Ass. Long Weekend, so we'll be running two of our favorite stories from recent weeks today and Monday. Enjoy the holiday, and we'll see you next week! This story originally ran on July 22. Peace out.

ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Press will now begin publishing select reports of recent police calls that will help feed your paranoia that "those people" are out to get you. What did we mean by "those people"? What did YOU mean by asking what we meant? Uh, racist much?


Racist Harvard Professor Arrested By Racist Officers In Racist Door-Repairing Incident
Location: Racist, Mmaassaacchhuusseettss
Summary: Henry Louis Gates Jr., Harvard professor and director of the W.E.B. DuBois Institute for African and American Research, was found attempting to fix the jammed front door at his own home. Officers on the scene immediately arrested Gates per City of Cambridge ordinance 10-27-3661, which states, "Any person whose skin is darker than your Dunkin' Donuts Iced Mocha Dunkachino shall be immediately incarcerated on suspicion of being wicked suspicious, especially if said person is attempting to gain entry into a home he clearly cannot afford on a janitor's salary." Cambridge police, upon discovering that Gates was a wealthy, nationally known figure, dropped all charges and released the following statement: "Our bad, yo."

Man Trespasses on Moon
Location: Sea of Tranquility
Summary: Forty years on, the identity of the three men in white suits, big boots and mirrored face shades who were discovered trespassing on interplanetary soil remains a mystery. These criminals, who filmed themselves hopping around, kicking up dust and illegally parking their vehicle in a "No parking between the beginning of time and 3 a.m. zone" are still at large. Based on the description of the white suit and ridiculously large shades, the top suspect remains Kanye West.

Anti-Liver Activist Assaulted By Transplant
Location: Crazytownenshire-upon-Stratfordsex, UK
Summary: The National Health Service, an organ of the UK government, successfully prevented a trespasser from entering the body of a 22-year-old East London man, but the man died in the ensuing struggle. The last time a liver entered the man's body, he assaulted it for 12 years with heavy alcohol ingestion, killing it. This time, the liver won. The best-of-three fight resulted in sudden death. A tiebreaker will not be scheduled.